Absent again

I am absent again.

I'm just losing it. Losing control. I don't know how much longer I can do this. Life. It's too much for me. I can't handle it.

It's because of the Boss (AKA Daboss), Rocky, Ducky, and yeah, I guess all of my problems at school are guy problems. I just make up my problems, really. I have friends. I do.

I just have a problem with letting myself see that. I have friends. They are my friends. It's just that I never told them how I really want my friends to be. Supportive... give me a hug when I'm sad... not laughing at me, but with me.

I'm not good at the whole social thing. I was homeschooled for three years, but it ruined me. I make huge mistakes all of the time. I haven't made AS bad mistakes lately, and I'm being very cautious, but I can't live life like this.

I think I would like to kill myself because the others would be hurt, but I won't get to enjoy it, and there is always the huge chance that my life will get better tomorrow, and if I kill myself, I will feel nothing as opposed to happiness.
Right now, it would be nothing vs. pain. Um, nothing is the no-brainer, right? Yeah, that's why kids at school say cutting yourself is stupid.

GOD I F***ING KNOW THAT IT'S STUPID, BUT DRUGGIES ARE STUPID TOO!

I cannot BELIEVE that kids say to my face, "Cutting yourself is SO stupid!" I am SO annoyed that people say that TO MY FACE. No one insults Jehovah's Witnesses to my face if they know that I am supposedly one (if I was, I don't think this blog would exist, or be about 'my new life').
They tell me that they say it because they think I will stop if I am told that it's stupid. Okay, I KNOW how stupid it is to hurt yourself. I am FREAKIN' ADDICTED. You can't just stop cutting.

People need to understand that.

And to follow up on the 'white people on the bad end of racism' there was something on GMA today about the Rutgers coach (sorry, I don't remember the name), who I definitely admire a little now.
I thought about it. Don Imus made a stupid, racist, sexist remark. People FREAKED and he was taken off the air for a while. Yet, I can easily see, rather, hear, a black comedian (I can't think of any names because I don't know any comedians except like Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert) saying that same thing, and people raising eyebrows after they stopped laughing, but they wouldn't make as big of a deal. Maybe people would just laugh and file it in their short-term memory, to be forgotten soon enough.

If this is untrue, I ask you to give me an example of when this happened. When people actually realized that if Don Imus or any white guy said this, people would react in the exact same way they did when the black comedian said it. I really don't think this has ever happened.

I am just so annoyed that the world has gone so 'whites being anti-racist', we've gone racist again. This is driving me insane.