Addicted.

I found out that I AM really addicted to cutting.

First, I'll say that for months, I have been just like the druggie guy in that 'Above the Influence' commercial who is in kinda denial.

I can stop cutting whenever I want.

Maybe I will next week.

Now, I knew that people could get addicted to cutting, but I didn't think I would.

That's always how it is, anyways. You know? You never think it could happen to you.

But, I know I am addicted because last night, I was thinking about how I had promised, just hours before, to never cut again.

But I was going crazy. I felt like crying, but I wasn't sad enough for that. I was too sad to smile, too bored to enjoy anything, too much of everything everywhere. I just felt bad.

So, I made one long cut up my leg, just a scratch.

I didn't do enough to numb the pain, so it was painful. There was this incredible heat-pain in my leg where I cut, but almost immediately when I lifted the blade from my leg, the pain was gone and this insane good feeling filled me. I felt like smiling. I felt like laughing. I thought I could FEEL my brain doing something that made me feel good.

So, I got high from cutting. I didn't cut anymore because I didn't think I should.

I didn't go to school today. I was too tired to do anything.

I'm going to school all week next week, though. I will.

I'm going to tell Mr. Nice (aka Daboss) about this.

I'm going to tell him EVERYTHING. Because I really have to. I just have to.

He told me something yesterday. I won't say what it is (I would not betray his trust by telling the Internet what it was, even thought it wasn't like something horrible or anything), but I think maybe we can be better friends now.

He is the only one who hasn't reacted strongly to my cutting. I actually feel good about that, even though he was the one who I really wanted to react. He is practically the reason I cut myself.

Maybe not practically, maybe he IS the reason I cut. Well, not anymore. Now it's because I'm addicted to it, and it's something to do. I started because of him. I thought of doing it because of him.

I'm a bad person because I wanted his attention and thought I could get it by cutting myself. I think that is what I will say to him. I will say to him that exact thing.