Sunday, March 23, 2008

Easter... Huh?

I don't know where that title came from.

I love this time of year because I loooooooove chocolate, especially Cadbury Creme Eggs. Those are heaven, and I just, like, drool over them when I see them or even think of them because they are sooo good.

I don't celebrate Easter. I don't celebrate lots of holidays. The only thing that you could call CLOSE to 'celebrating' is the Memorial, which happened last night. It corresponds to the Jewish holiday of Passover, at which Jesus had his Last Supper, and passed out bread and wine, to represent his body and blood, which is, by the Jewish calender, Nisan 14. Basically, we go the the Kingdom Hall, sit there and listen to the guy speaking about things (if you've never heard it before, you'd enjoy listening to it), look up scriptures and read them, and then pray and pass around the symbols.

And sing a few songs.

If you like religion, if you believe in God and Jesus being His Son, then yes, you would enjoy this, you would appreciate it.

All it did for me is convince me that every single religion on Earth is a fake, silly mythology that I will pay no mind to. At least all of the 'Christian' religions.
I am a scientific person. Far too scientific to believe that Adam and Eve could have created the whole human race (actually, more like Noah and his sons and their wives). There are so many skin colors, eye colors, and hair colors, and it is impossible, in my opinion, for three men from the same father and three women from different families to have done that.
Bottom line, it makes no sense. I can't believe that. I also cannot believe in a 'Tree of Everlasting Life' and a 'Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil'.
I can believe in a God, but that is my own wishful thinking, my own wishful desire for there to be something more. But I cannot believe in the rest of this faith that my family puts their trust in. If it will make me be like my mom and brother and dad, I'm not doing it.

My mom, I am realizing, grew up in a very dysfunctional family and time period. As a result, she is, without meaning to, sexist, bordering on racial stereotyping, and has a childish mind. She isn't racist, but she says stuff like "I think I'm a black person inside" and I understand WHY she would say that, but it's a result of believing racial stereotypes. She is sexist in that she has absolutely NO idea that gender roles are supposed to be reversing, that she can take any sort of stand against Dad, and she complains about his irresponsibility while refusing to retaliate because she wants to be a submissive, humble wife.
This is because Jehovah's Witnesses approve of this. They are sexist. Child abuse? No. There is nothing of the sort going on. Sexism, yes.
Women are the ones who usually clean the Kingdom Hall. Families are given cleaning assignments, but it ends up, almost every time, being the women who do the work. When major cleaning goes on, the brothers do outside work and maintenance while the sisters do cleaning inside.

Okay, that rant is over.

My mom is very childish because she tells me how Easter is 'disgusting!' and it's because it's about fertility and 'body parts' which yes, is kinda disgusting, but honestly, this isn't Victorian times. My mom needs to learn how to handle things that have to do with reproduction, and maybe just life in general. I can't believe she managed to be married twice, have five kids, and live more than half the century and STILL have problems with talking about things like that. Because of my 'prude' upbringing, I can't even say 'penis' even though everyone else can.

Wow, this is a lot of complaining. I think this is what I am supposed to be telling my counselor...

I hope my Zoloft dosage will be increased because I don't think it's working enough. It's helping, but I don't feel that much better.

I just can't stand my cutting addiction. I need to cut. I haven't cut since Mom found out except for three marks, and they aren't even serious or anything, but I can't handle this! I need to cut so badly! If I don't do it, I'll go more insane and be more depressed and I just want to give in to my addiction! I want to just let go and live in my story, my writing, and my cutting. All else will be taken care of if I just let go and write. If I had a computer in my room, I could write all I needed to or whatever, and I would cut, and I could live in my room. I would eat, sleep, and live in my room. I want to isolate myself, but it's impossible because of the annoying fact that I do not have a computer in my room. I will have one soon, though. We have a new computer to use, so I will take the old one, and I can finally do my work. But for some reason, my brother just is not changing the computers.

I want my cutting back. I have my blade in my room. All I have to do is forget what Rocky said to me. If I could just forget what he said... "When you hurt yourself, it hurts others, maybe even more than it hurts you."

No comments: