Thursday, March 13, 2008

WHAAAAAA???

Last night was weird.

A little after seven o'clock in the evening, the phone rings. My mom answers.
"It's for you," she said, handing me the phone, "It's Rocky." (she used his real first name)

I am soooooo confused and I have NO idea what is going on, but I talk to him, and it was a strange conversation...

I won't tell you all he said, but he said some amazingly insightful things, kind things, and things that make me want to say, "Awwwwwwwww."
NO! HE DOESN'T LIKE ME. I cannot give you that knowledge. He and I actually were talking about the girl he likes a little. I think she's on the verge of becoming a dumb blonde (personally) but maybe she will be salvaged.

Either way, after she tried to make Rocky jealous the way she did, they'd better go out. I want to see Rocky in a relationship for a little while (when he breaks up, I'll just make sure his heart isn't taken yet, and be VERY kind to him for a few weeks...) because I would like to feel like I can be friends with him without the undeniable sexual friction. Okay, there's no sexual friction, but there is romantic friction. I said these words to him last night. "I wish I didn't like you last year. I think it really fucked things up." (ooh, I said a bad word) He agreed. I think that since it was clear that nothing would ever happen between us, it made it easier to think of being just friends.

Okay... Rocky said something I will never forget because he, of all people, said it. "You might not think so, but when you hurt yourself, it hurts other people too... Maybe even more than it hurts you."
I couldn't believe he said that because... Rocky has never displayed that sort of maturity before. He had never said anything that insightful before. He showed that he cared. If he could promise to always care about me like that, I could live. I could live on his friendship... But I have learned not to rely on things anymore. I will try to let myself lean on him a little, but in the end, I have to stand on my own two feet.

Okay, so Rocky convinced me to go to school today. It's amazing. He convinced me to do something... So, I went to school (DABOSS GOT A HAIRCUT AND I AM SO FREAKING ANGRY!). I went to French in the morning (OMG every boy in that class had a haircut and they all SUCKED!), and the Mme was rather put out that I had SO much stuff I had to do... And then, after a few minutes of quiet-ish work (MVIGB kept asking me why I was absent, and I couldn't really say...), the principal came in. He gestured for me to come with him, and as I left the room, Mr. Catholic (a friend) made that 'slitting throat' motion to me. He was joking, but OMG he found out later (I assume) his joke became all too true.

So the principal, as we walked to his office, asked, "Have you lost weight?" and I'm like, "No," because I think I've gained weight lately, and he said, "You look thinner... Not to say you looked bigger before..." Um, faux pas super, Monsieur. Okay, so then we go into his office and I know something's up when my guidance counselor is in there.

Bottom line, somebody told the school that I had left a message on somebody's phone and that I wanted to kill myself, I was cutting my legs, and all that.
And the nurse found the initials on my leg. She figured out it was the initials of a friend. I refused to give his identity. I couldn't draw him into it. I couldn't say his name.

I should have.

But it's too late right now. They informed me that I would be going to a hospital for psychiatric evaluation.

In my head, I said, "Damn."

They spent, like, two hours telling me to be honest and tell them EVERYTHING.

Oh, and I figured out what broke me... When Daboss wasn't on the bus. It broke me... "Thinking someone you love is dead when they are not." I didn't know how true that was until I experienced this myself. I KNEW that he wasn't dead, but it felt like it. There was an underlying fear of his death... Scary...

Anyways. My mom finally came in. She visibly freaked when they used the words 'cut her legs', but she made no sound, and they paid it no mind. Whatever. I was just going crazy. Rocky, what have you done? What did you do, you loving idiot? Why did you do this? You're a jerk, a caring, wonderful, friendly JERK that I love--as a friend.

Okay, so my mom took me to the hospital. The ER, to be exact. I got 'psychiatric evaluation' which I really didn't like. The lady was being insensitive. But I'll let it be.
I made friends with a nurse, Michelle. She was nice. We played cards. I won Go Fish, War, and she won Crazy Eights (I had to teach her to play Crazy Eights, and she already knew how to play the other games). Don't suppose I'll see her again. Doesn't matter.

I can wear shorts when it's warm enough. My mom knows, and that's all I cared about. As long as she didn't know. If she knows, then I can wear shorts to school, and FREAK 'EM OUT!

I mean, think about it... Lines... Lots of lines on my leg. The kids will see and I will not need to speak.

I don't think I will let anyone besides Rocky know that I went to the hospital. If news goes out that I was at a hospital, then that means I cut REAL bad. Now that I am going to start turning my life around, I don't want stupid rumors around.

That's right, people, I am going to start trying to quit cutting.

Okay, I know it's "Do or do not, there is no try."
I will start to quit cutting.

Nice sentence. It makes me feel pretty inside.

Oh, and news for students at my school:
  • our principal (that's right, the one we all wish didn't exist), hugged me. He actually did. (my mom was in the room, though) I have been hugged by our very own principal, but not by most of my siblings. Something seems wrong there...
  • the principal called me 'little girl' twice although he always USED to call me 'young lady'. Regression, perhaps?
  • when he spoke of the nurse checking my legs for cuts, he referred to it as 'your legs and things' three times. Um... what things? Do I want to know...?

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