Friday, February 22, 2008

What horror. (and what weird dreams)

What horror I have learned.
Well, last night, I thought about cutting.
And I realized that I could never do it because of the pain I feared so much. So, I thought about what dulls pain.
And I found it.
So, I went to the kitchen, got what I needed, and went to my room.
And it worked.

So, I made four cuts that bled (not too much) and I realized with horror that I am now invincible. I can do whatever I want. Nothing can stop me now. I have complete power over myself now. That's the disturbing thing, I think. I have real power. I didn't even have power over myself before. Now, I am truly invincible. I can do whatever I want, and it doesn't matter. I won't feel pain.
It scares me that I will now be able to do what I want, what I dream of, and nothing will stop me, except for my imagination.

Last night, I dreamed a lot.
First, I had a strange dream. There was a field-trip of some kind. I could smell something burning, I think. Something smoky and weird. Like when I tried to melt the plastic on a certain utensil the other day. Burned plastic--nasty.
There was my english teacher, and a lot of kids who were not in my english class. A lot of kids... maybe 30 or 40.

Ducky was there, too. Suddenly, instead of being at the junior high, we were at the elementary school I have not been in since June 2006, in the cafeteria. Ducky looked at my bared arm. I was showing him the cuts.
He looked at me. The scars on my arm were brighter and worse than they are in real life. The cuts were bloodier and worse. He looked at my arm, and said, "That's gross. Stop cutting yourself. You could kill yourself. Stop cutting yourself."
Jama came over and sat down next to us. We had to move to make room for her, and Ducky sat on my hand (I don't know where that came from).

Another dream I had was weird. The people there were:
me (kinda)
chickens (Mathilda was the only one I recognized)
T'Pol from Star Trek: Enterprise (she was wearing her ugly outfit from the earlier seasons. Her blue jumpsuit is prettier)
an older female Vulcan, who somehow had as much respect as Spock, although she wasn't Spock, although it felt like Spock.
Sam Carter from Stargate SG-1
some other Stargate person, maybe McKay or the Russian guy from SGA
a lot of other technician/soldier people that seemed to be from SG-1

So, there was something going on, like a computer virus (funny how that SGA episode was on today) or a bomb or approaching Goa'uld/Wraith/Ori/Replicators. I kept switching who I was, from the old Vulcan woman to Captain Archer from Enterprise, to myself.
At one point, there was this slide-thing with a bunch of chickens there (just walking around, pecking and stuff), that was snowy and icy, and I was the old Vulcan and had to go into some sort of hibernation and so I had to go slide down there.
It was fun!
Then, I made a hairpin-turn in the slide, and I slid down even faster and it was MORE FUN. :D I almost crashed into Mathilda the chicken (she was eaten by a fox long ago, though, so I don't know why I thought of her), but she moved out of the way, and when I exited the slide-thing, I was back in the place that looked like the SGC, except I was at a slight lower level (I'd have to draw a picture of it in order to show it correctly) and it was a place maybe a meter or two from where I entered the slide.
So I went back to work. The hibernation thing was cancelled. ;) It was weird. (no der)

Another thing is that I do think that exiting and entering a place nearby to where I was was a reference to Portal, a videogame. Like, I shot the portal gun in the place I entered and then I shot it where I exited, and instead of it being an instantaneous transport, there was the slide/tunnel/chute/thing. I don't remember shooting the portal gun, though. I guess it had nothing to do with Portal, then.

There was another dream, too, but I don't remember it anymore. I think a certain kid I kinda hate was in it... Oh well.

So, wasn't that INTERESTING? ;)

Hi, Ren/Poison! *hugs* Miss you!
BTW, Ren, I notice that you are using your middle name a lot for things. (at least I think that's your middle name) I started doing that, too.
I am going to be known as Lizzy when I go back to school. I will tell them to start calling me Lizzy. If you saw a picture of me, you would see that I can be a Lizzy. I think the kids at school would agree that I make a good Lizzy. When I look in the mirror and smile, I see a 'Lizzy.' It's weird. But I think since I went all 'emo', I became Lizzy. I decided that I stopped being *my first name* when I cut my hair. I became Lizzy when I cut myself.

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