Saturday, March 15, 2008

Ides of March

Let's see.

Today, my brother will be coming. I guess I will have to wake up (I got up, went downstairs, and got on the computer at 9 in the morning, and that's what I've been doing all morning), and... yeah. Get dressed, since I am wearing my very pink nightgown that Mom gave me. It's very pink... Almost too pink... I don't feel very much like a feminist when I wear this. I feel sexist when I wear this.

I have to finish a friend's birthday present. *nudges friend* It is coming. If it's a few days late, I apologize. You know what's been up if you've been reading my blog.

I guess on Monday, I will go to school, and figure out who my real friends are, and maybe talk to my science teacher about her eavesdropping.
I will tell Daboss about... cutting. I will tell him why he should never do it, why if he does I'll start cutting again (I am quitting for now, wOOt WooT wOoT WoOt!), and give him the little essay I found about cutting...
And I will tell him that if he does cut, it will make him feel better, but please... don't cut. If I'm not cutting, no one else can. It's wrong to let no one else do it if I am, but if I'm not, I cannot let my friends. Especially the person I love.

I am now on Zoloft. Um... yeah. My counselor said it would help my crazy obsessive thoughts. Kinda freaks me out, the idea that I am taking a drug that is changing my thoughts.
Um... Yes. Sounds like a sci-fi movie. A drug is controlling my thoughts.
Okay, just now, I let my obsessive thought come, and I seem to be able to dismiss it pretty easily. That's cool. I mean, I will never be fully rid of the FEELING, but I don't feel as bad. I feel like I am able to control it. That's coooooooool...

Then again, maybe this is a placebo...

They lied to me. This is just a fake pill I'm taking, it's not doing anything. Drugs can't affect thoughts. They LIED.


I'd rather lie to myself and pretend that it really is affecting my thoughts, rather than it being a placebo. Besides, I THINK it will work, so it's going to work, probably.
I'm not sure if I feel like living again. I mean, lots of good stuff has happened in the past few days (and I ate a calzone! YUM!), and more good stuff is coming, so maybe that is making me happy.
Either way, just now, I was 'playing by myself' which is a term I use for myself when I'm alone and I... Hm... It's hard to describe. Well, I saw a 'Dashing Gentleman Emerald Waist Band' or something on Gaia and I said 'Gentleman' whispering aloud and I just hammed it up, basically. I used to do that when I was little.

Maybe I am feeling better.

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