Monday, March 17, 2008

Stress

I'm stressing out right now because I think I feel like cutting myself.

I found a razor in the bathroom drawer. I didn't take it because I am actually trying to quit cutting.

But if something happens, if I am stressed out and I need to hurt my mother or someone else, I am taking the razor.

Mom should have taken the blade. Take the blade away.

Well, it doesn't matter. I have scissors in my room.

I am suffering from withdrawal now.

I CAN resist the urge easily enough right now. I don't know if the urge will get stronger or not. It probably will. I have amazing self-control, I just never use it. I don't want to quit cutting, anyways. I am trying, but I don't want to. The blood... the pain... the shivering... I like all of it. The physical pain is something I love. I feel love for my pain.

Come back to me... pain... Come back...

I should have gone to school today, but I didn't because I just didn't plain want to, and I was too tired. I'm going tomorrow, and then I will NEED to make sure my friends are there for me... At least Rocky. He has to promise me that he will help me quit cutting.

The first thing to do is promise that I can call him when I feel like cutting and he will talk me out of it.
More than that will be arranged later. Maybe we should go (as friends) to that roller skating place... Or somewhere else, I dunno. Roller skating is awesome, you know. It is really good. I haven't done it in forever, but you know what, maybe Rocky will teach me to rollerblade. I always used to wear those silly roller skates that have two wheels on either side, and Rocky should teach me something. I would like that...
If he thinks it'd be too much like a date, he can take Ciel too. That kid has been better lately. I think Rocky told him to be nice to me. Or maybe he's not so bad after all... I guess even jerks can be my best friends...

I don't think I really 'like' Daboss anymore. I mean, he's awesome and I hope we are friends forever, but he's just too... good, unavailable, and nice. People who are too nice are just... they drive me crazy. I need a bad guy like Rocky.
But I swear, I'd lick our chicken Bucky's fluffy butt before I went out with Rocky.

Okay, now I'm laughing... :D

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