Thursday, February 28, 2008

Bleh, Sick

I think I might have Strep throat again.

I hope not. I'm sick of it. It's the most annoying illness ever.

No, cancer and Addiction are worse.

I haven't cut myself because I haven't cared.

I have gone through some weird revelations in the past few days.

Well, let's start on... well, I posted last on Tuesday.

On Wednesday, I got up, started getting ready for school, and soon, I was feeling sick and my throat hurt a little, and so instead of getting dressed, I went to my mom and she looked at my throat with a flashlight and said, "You are NOT going to school!" so that was that.
We went through a similar situation this morning. I HATE salt water. It is gross to even be near, let alone gargle with it.
Mom got a doctor appointment for me at 2:45.
I guess, since it's around 11:30, I will finish up here, take a shower, and wait for Going to the Doctor time.

I think I might have tonsillitis. I have the symptoms. It says that "Tonsillitis is characterized by red, swollen tonsils. White patches may or may not appear on the tonsils. Other signs and symptoms of tonsillitis include a severe sore throat, painful/difficult swallowing, headache, fever and chills, enlarged and tender lymph nodes, pain in the tonsil area, and loss of voice."
Mom said that my throat is very dark red 'at the top' which could be my tonsils (though I haven't looked so maybe not), and I do have a slight sore throat, and it hurts to swallow, and I think I had a fever or something yesterday, because it felt so hot EVERYWHERE. Anywhere I went except for my freezing cold room was burning hot, and I was sweating, and I wasn't even wearing my sweatshirt.

Ugh... something in the side of my neck hurts. I feel like fainting or something... Bleh...

Um, if I think I'm a hypochondriac, does that make me one?

Okay, Wikipedia has told me that I'm a cyberchondriac. That's okay. I don't mind being a hypochondriac.

Seriously, I have self-diagnosed myself with it. There's another thing I can add to my list.

I wish I wasn't sick. I was really ready to go to school this week.

I wish we had Wednesdays off. Four days of school per week. So what if school lasted longer? There are about 40 weeks in the school year. That's 40 extra days, which is ten extra weeks. That's fine with me. I'd rather have more, shorter weeks than fewer long weeks.

Um... that's all. I guess that's all I have to say. I want to eat lunch before I take a shower.

Um, bleh. I'm feeling horrible. I just feel like dying because I'm so sick (and the other reasons).

Tuesday, February 26, 2008


I found out that I AM really addicted to cutting.

First, I'll say that for months, I have been just like the druggie guy in that 'Above the Influence' commercial who is in kinda denial.

I can stop cutting whenever I want.

Maybe I will next week.

Now, I knew that people could get addicted to cutting, but I didn't think I would.

That's always how it is, anyways. You know? You never think it could happen to you.

But, I know I am addicted because last night, I was thinking about how I had promised, just hours before, to never cut again.

But I was going crazy. I felt like crying, but I wasn't sad enough for that. I was too sad to smile, too bored to enjoy anything, too much of everything everywhere. I just felt bad.

So, I made one long cut up my leg, just a scratch.

I didn't do enough to numb the pain, so it was painful. There was this incredible heat-pain in my leg where I cut, but almost immediately when I lifted the blade from my leg, the pain was gone and this insane good feeling filled me. I felt like smiling. I felt like laughing. I thought I could FEEL my brain doing something that made me feel good.

So, I got high from cutting. I didn't cut anymore because I didn't think I should.

I didn't go to school today. I was too tired to do anything.

I'm going to school all week next week, though. I will.

I'm going to tell Mr. Nice (aka Daboss) about this.

I'm going to tell him EVERYTHING. Because I really have to. I just have to.

He told me something yesterday. I won't say what it is (I would not betray his trust by telling the Internet what it was, even thought it wasn't like something horrible or anything), but I think maybe we can be better friends now.

He is the only one who hasn't reacted strongly to my cutting. I actually feel good about that, even though he was the one who I really wanted to react. He is practically the reason I cut myself.

Maybe not practically, maybe he IS the reason I cut. Well, not anymore. Now it's because I'm addicted to it, and it's something to do. I started because of him. I thought of doing it because of him.

I'm a bad person because I wanted his attention and thought I could get it by cutting myself. I think that is what I will say to him. I will say to him that exact thing.

Sunday, February 24, 2008


I think that I will start doing song reviews or book reviews or movie reviews or something.

I think that I will start that sometime next week.

Tomorrow, Monday, will be the first day of school after the lovely February vacation I have been enjoying. Maybe I will finally stop posting about nothing. I can finally start talking about INTERESTING things.

I've had a week to think about things. Not much has happened on the outside (except for the Sanguinolent Respect thing and a few other scratches), but I've had a lot of time to just THINK and decide what I'm going to do... how I will change, how I will stop being ME and start being Lizzy.

I used to be one thing... but they died some time ago, maybe a year, maybe much longer. I know they were dead around the time I cut my hair, but I think they could have died earlier.

Either way, I am now LIZZY. I am not what I used to be.

Sounds like a song. ;)

I won't start singing, though. I think I will tell everyone to call me Lizzy. I will be Lizzy because I won't be what I used to be. They'll have to call me Lizzy because I'll stop responding to my first name after a little while.

Okay, I just looked up Lizzy on and it's mostly okay, although I think I will be careful when telling others to call me Lizzy. I'm so glad that I will be a dose of cocaine mixed with heroin or an amphetamine. I will make people high? Or I will be a 20 dollar bill in Canada. That works. The first definition is okay although I didn't think my butt was that big. (it isn't)

I also checked up on Lizzie and Liz and those aren't as great, but it's okay. If people are going to be stupid, that's their problem. I'd rather be known as Lizzy than my other name. I'll go look that up...
And the first definition is awesome because it means that I am very sexy. (woo!)

I gave it a thumbs up. I gave a thumbs up to most of the definitions that said I am sexy/smart whatever.

I don't FEEL very sexy. That's funny.
Then again, I guess 'emo chicks' aren't very sexy since their arms are so bloody. (my legs are worse, thought)

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Anyone for tea and cookies?

I don't know what happened with what I said earlier, 'cause my leg is damn bloody, or it was less than an hour ago.

I got what I needed for painless cuts ready, waited for a few minutes while I enjoyed a delicious sticky bun (well, two), and when I finished, I took the stuff to my room, where I desensitized myself and made an S and an R next to each other on my leg. The little tail on the R isn't quite attached, but it looks enough like an R.

In case you're wondering, it stands for Sanguinolent Respect.

I thought of the word 'Sanguine' and wanted a word similar to it, so I flipped through an unabridged dictionary and found sanguinolent and sanguiverous, which are by far the awesomest words I've learned all year.

After I made the letters, I put four cuts into my leg, which bled nicely but not so much that anything trickled down, as did the SR.

Well... that's a nice report.

Anyone for tea and cookies?


I feel NOTHING today.

I just sit here, and nothing.



I guess, that means I should go out and DO something.

I decided not to cut myself today.

Even if I feel like it.

It's around 11:30 in the morning. I have about nine hours left (more like 12, but I need to get my sleep schedule back in order before I go back to school on Monday).

I wonder if I can do it. When I said 'cut', I meant hurt myself in anyway, SH/SI, whatever. I won't do it.

I'll reward myself tomorrow by letting myself go.
If I fail, I'll punish myself tomorrow with cutting.
I'm cutting tomorrow, either way.


You betcha.

Good for me?

No way.

Makes me feel better?


Fixes anything?

I doubt it.

Nets me a bf?


Does ANYTHING for me?

Yes. It helps.

Friday, February 22, 2008

What horror. (and what weird dreams)

What horror I have learned.
Well, last night, I thought about cutting.
And I realized that I could never do it because of the pain I feared so much. So, I thought about what dulls pain.
And I found it.
So, I went to the kitchen, got what I needed, and went to my room.
And it worked.

So, I made four cuts that bled (not too much) and I realized with horror that I am now invincible. I can do whatever I want. Nothing can stop me now. I have complete power over myself now. That's the disturbing thing, I think. I have real power. I didn't even have power over myself before. Now, I am truly invincible. I can do whatever I want, and it doesn't matter. I won't feel pain.
It scares me that I will now be able to do what I want, what I dream of, and nothing will stop me, except for my imagination.

Last night, I dreamed a lot.
First, I had a strange dream. There was a field-trip of some kind. I could smell something burning, I think. Something smoky and weird. Like when I tried to melt the plastic on a certain utensil the other day. Burned plastic--nasty.
There was my english teacher, and a lot of kids who were not in my english class. A lot of kids... maybe 30 or 40.

Ducky was there, too. Suddenly, instead of being at the junior high, we were at the elementary school I have not been in since June 2006, in the cafeteria. Ducky looked at my bared arm. I was showing him the cuts.
He looked at me. The scars on my arm were brighter and worse than they are in real life. The cuts were bloodier and worse. He looked at my arm, and said, "That's gross. Stop cutting yourself. You could kill yourself. Stop cutting yourself."
Jama came over and sat down next to us. We had to move to make room for her, and Ducky sat on my hand (I don't know where that came from).

Another dream I had was weird. The people there were:
me (kinda)
chickens (Mathilda was the only one I recognized)
T'Pol from Star Trek: Enterprise (she was wearing her ugly outfit from the earlier seasons. Her blue jumpsuit is prettier)
an older female Vulcan, who somehow had as much respect as Spock, although she wasn't Spock, although it felt like Spock.
Sam Carter from Stargate SG-1
some other Stargate person, maybe McKay or the Russian guy from SGA
a lot of other technician/soldier people that seemed to be from SG-1

So, there was something going on, like a computer virus (funny how that SGA episode was on today) or a bomb or approaching Goa'uld/Wraith/Ori/Replicators. I kept switching who I was, from the old Vulcan woman to Captain Archer from Enterprise, to myself.
At one point, there was this slide-thing with a bunch of chickens there (just walking around, pecking and stuff), that was snowy and icy, and I was the old Vulcan and had to go into some sort of hibernation and so I had to go slide down there.
It was fun!
Then, I made a hairpin-turn in the slide, and I slid down even faster and it was MORE FUN. :D I almost crashed into Mathilda the chicken (she was eaten by a fox long ago, though, so I don't know why I thought of her), but she moved out of the way, and when I exited the slide-thing, I was back in the place that looked like the SGC, except I was at a slight lower level (I'd have to draw a picture of it in order to show it correctly) and it was a place maybe a meter or two from where I entered the slide.
So I went back to work. The hibernation thing was cancelled. ;) It was weird. (no der)

Another thing is that I do think that exiting and entering a place nearby to where I was was a reference to Portal, a videogame. Like, I shot the portal gun in the place I entered and then I shot it where I exited, and instead of it being an instantaneous transport, there was the slide/tunnel/chute/thing. I don't remember shooting the portal gun, though. I guess it had nothing to do with Portal, then.

There was another dream, too, but I don't remember it anymore. I think a certain kid I kinda hate was in it... Oh well.

So, wasn't that INTERESTING? ;)

Hi, Ren/Poison! *hugs* Miss you!
BTW, Ren, I notice that you are using your middle name a lot for things. (at least I think that's your middle name) I started doing that, too.
I am going to be known as Lizzy when I go back to school. I will tell them to start calling me Lizzy. If you saw a picture of me, you would see that I can be a Lizzy. I think the kids at school would agree that I make a good Lizzy. When I look in the mirror and smile, I see a 'Lizzy.' It's weird. But I think since I went all 'emo', I became Lizzy. I decided that I stopped being *my first name* when I cut my hair. I became Lizzy when I cut myself.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

I'm out of titles

News that you've already heard, to be followed by better news, with my opinions:
  • Barack Obama is accused of plagiarism. Um, when he plagiarized my governor (momentarily forgot his name), my governor was plagiarizing JFK, or at least that's who I heard he was quoting. Seriously, why are you making such a big deal out of it? We live in a time that no matter what you think or what you say, somebody's already said it at some time, so in a way, we are plagiarizing with every thought and every word we say. I'm sure someone's already said this, in fact. If they haven't, I think I should be praised. *smug*
  • McCain has been accused to having an 'inappropriate relationship' with some woman. That made me think of how I was reading in Newsweek (yes I read Newsweek, and I am actually 13) how he has an enlarged prostate (I am probably blushing though I can't look in a mirror) and I was thinking of how bad I feel for him. People just have to say EVERYTHING they know about a public figure, don't they? I believe he is innocent, although I kinda wish he had done something bad so something interesting would be happening. I think a Barack supporter started this rumor because they want people to remember Bill Clinton and how bad he was, and people would feel less like voting for the Clintons. However, this may make people more sorry for Hillary and then vote for her anyways, so that plan might backfire. This is my most un-humble opinion, and I guarantee someone has already thought of this if it is not the truth. (unintentional plagiarism, oh no)
  • Paris Hilton's brother got arrested for DUI, and he's 18. However, they aren't sure because he was carrying a fake driver's liscense. I mean, honestly. We need some new movie stars. NOW. Can't the stupid people just be gotten rid of?
  • Christopher Paolini's third book, Brisingr, will be released September 20, 2008. That's in almost EXACTLY seven months. This is old news (the news was released on Jan. 16), but I felt like adding it since some people, I'm sure, don't know it yet. Now they do! :) I am SO happy because I know who I'm going to ask to go to the bookstore with me at midnight to get it. :) Someone very special. Wow, I'll be in ninth grade then. I'll be 14 by then. I'll be a freshman. A high schooler... COOL.
  • I'm cutting again. Like, really. I am getting stronger. I am not screaming, though I thought I would. However, I have not bled badly or anything.
  • I have to actually do some 'work' over vacation. I was going to do my (un)lovely personal dictionary project that everyone else is finished with. To make up for the insane lateness, I will make it look PWNSOME. (pronounced pone-some)
And, that's pretty much all. I am addicted to Jonathan Coulton's song 'Octopus'. For some reason. It's been out for months, I'm sure, but for whatever reason, I just listen to it all of the time.
Maybe I feel I am in an abusive relationship? I can think of people who are like some kind of octopus, but at the same time, I am in no relationship. Questions, questions, questions...

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Updates! Woohoo!

Well, here's what's up:

the sky
the sun
the stars

Sorry, here's what's ACTUALLY up:

  • I thought of something absolutely SHOCKING (although probably someone has already used it) that will completely change Linda's Chronicles. I mean, like CRAZY. Something VERY interesting happens. There is an AMAZING internal conflict goin' on here. It's no longer character vs. character or character vs. society. It is now BOTH of those in addition to: *drumroll please* character vs. self! Woohoo! Yeah! Awesomeness! I will not reveal anymore. I mean, it'd be a really annoying plot spoiler!
  • I am on vay-cay-SHUN. Which means, I will get a lot of wonderful work done, read book, lounge, and oh yeah, do those things that I should have done 5 weeks ago. :D
  • I found out, to my disturbed horror (that makes no sense) that I have been, by definition, self-harming since I was four or five. I know, that's creepy. Little two year olds will hit themselves sometimes. Autistic kids will sometimes hurt themselves. But there are reasons for that. Two year olds are exploring their boundaries and stuff. But a four year old? No. When you're four, you know what touching a boo-boo (which when I was four I ALWAYS called a cut, no matter how it was created) hurts, and you put a Band-Aid on it and it heals up when Mommy kisses it. No way. With me, it was, put on ten Band-Aids (you shoulda seen my legs! I've had as many as five Band-Aids on each leg!), peel off all of them after a while, and open up them scabs. Yeah. Watch 'em bleed. I liked seeing the blood. When I was six, I dared find out what blood tasted like (I knew that it was a sin to consume blood, but I ignored it since it was a miniscule amount, I thought) and I discovered how tasty it was. I always knew that it smelled good, but I didn't think about that since recently. So, I have been a Self-Harmer for, let's see, nine to ten years! Wonderful. I have THAT to think about over vacation. I hope my guidance counselor will not try to talk to me. She doesn't help much. My other counselor is nice, though. I almost told him about my PTSD. I told him that I had it, what I thought, and why, but I couldn't say what it was. I made myself live through the entire Lamisil commercial. Every bit of it that I remembered. I am giving myself shakes now, thinking about it. In his office, I closed my eyes and made myself see it all, and it didn't hurt as much as it used to. It's still horrible, though. I can never think about it. I can never face it. I can never watch TV again and not be afraid of that commercial being played. God, I HATE computer-animation. I will never be able to watch it and feel safe.

And that's what's going on right now! My brother keeps taking away the internet, but he gets it back usually, so it's okay. I keep forgetting to update, too! *shame sign*

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Valentine's Day

Well, I vowed to myself that I would not ruin this day for the third year in a row... Skip the next paragraph if you want to read more about that.

I left a rather silly comment on JoCo's blog. :D I almost didn't post it since I'm so shy. If you think it's funny, I suggest trying it on other people. :D I ended up posting it since I figured the words 'crazed fan' worked pretty well. :D Okay, too many of those :D smileys. I will now stop using them.
Lady Aberlin herself left a comment on his blog, which shows that JoCo is VERY AWESOME. I mean, people from Mister Rogers are reading it! How much higher can you go?

Anyways, as to today being a ruined day.
That was grammatically incorrect, I think. I think I'm going to show this page to my English teacher if it's not blocked on the school computers. EVERYTHING'S blocked there, pretty much. Amazon, eBay, and Yahoo aren't. Google isn't... I don't know what else. :D
Whatever you do, don't go to '' because it supposedly has porn. I did not find this myself, I heard about it from Ducky who heard about it from some guy in his Computers class.

Okay, so in 2006, V-day sucked because I told Ducky that I liked him (well, it was kinda weird... a note saying stuff about being my Valentine), and people teased me, and I was upset, et cetera.

In 2007, I hated it because I tried to tell ANOTHER guy I liked him. And that was sucky.

And don't even ask me about what happened today.

I got hit in the leg hard with a whiffleball in Gym. It stung like crazy. I do not like whiffleball. However, I noticed that when I batted lefty (I'm lefty, but I switch hit), I hit almost EVERY pitch. They actually were good hits, too! It was amazing!

I still can't throw, and I'm even more afraid of the ball than I used to be. I've just gotten hit too many times. I just can't handle it. I must have cringed and ducked ten times. For no reason. I cringed EVERY TIME the ball was hit, and I was just standing there.

Um... that's all that happened today. I bought five carnations for 3 dollars and sold one for a dollar. Two guys thought they were roses. I really hope they figure it out by the time they're married. If I got married and someone thought that a carnation was a rose, I'd hit them in the face, and get a divorce. Maybe. Maybe not.

I put one in my hair, and gave the other 3 to my mom, since that's pretty much the only reason I bought them. I wanted one for my hair anyways. I considered trying to give a flower to a certain person, but I didn't. He didn't even TALK to me, and he KNOWS that I have been trying to talk to him. I really don't think I could have been clearer in that note. I mean, really!

Argh. I would be swearing if I was raised up to. But I've been raised to be very clean-mouthed so I will not swear although right now I feel like typing $%^**&$&$*&$($#@%@^(@@!$$^$%%*(%&$^#@@%%&^%*(^)(^*%&$^@@$#%#%$^$&$&#%@%@

Don't ask why there are so many dollar signs. *lol*

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Roger Clemens doesn't know what a vegan is!

Well, I was using the computer this morning while my brother listened to the live hearing about the steroids. I thought some of it was pretty weird.

They talked about Clemens being injected in the butt and then he was bleeding and it was on his pants and then one other person saw and Clemens said, "I'd do anything to get an edge" or something akin to that.

Clemens does not know what a vegan is. I actually laughed out loud when I heard that. I mean, honestly...
How do you get that far in life and NOT KNOW WHAT A VEGAN IS.
If you are an adult and do not what a vegan is, I implore you, please accept my humblest apologies for saying that you really should know what it is.

JoCo the Great made a new song that sounds wonderful. In my opinion, if you don't at least listen to it, you are an evil person. In my opinion, you should also buy the song. He's just an average guy who writes songs and plays lots of instruments and has a wonderful singing voice.
And likes Mister Rogers' Neighborhood.

No, he is NOT paying me to say that. :D I'm too young to get paid for that sort of thing.

JoCo got his song wrong, because a muumuu is actually spelled mu'umu'u, NOT muumuu. It is pronounced moo-oo-moo-oo. Not 'moomoo' although for song purposes, I guess that's okay.
*twitches* Grammatical errors... evil.
But even a great person like JoCo can be swayed by the great evil... I suppose he's not immune to all illnesses...

Monday, February 11, 2008

Porphyria! Not a type of cheese!

Porphyria: something I was afraid I had for a few minutes last weekend.

Okay, well, read this, and then I will explain why I thought I had it.

I was reading on Wikipedia (my favorite!) about vampires, because recent developments in my messed up mind/life have convinced me that I am a closet-vampire.

Meaning, I like blood. I like putting it in my mouth and swallowing it.

Okay, back to the more scientific side of life, I was trying to learn about vampires, because I pretty much am one, and so I was reading on Wiki how this guy, David Dolphin, thought that vampires were sufferers of porphyria, and so I clicked on the link and I read about it. I didn't totally get it all, but I know there's a REASON I crave my own blood, so I thought that having porphyria was a good explanation.

"The hepatic porphyrias primarily affect the nervous system, resulting in abdominal pain, vomiting, acute neuropathy, seizures and mental disturbances, including hallucinations, depression, anxiety and paranoia. Cardiac arrhythmias and tachycardia (fast heart rate) may develop as the autonomic nervous system is affected. Pain can be severe and can, in some cases, be both acute and chronic in nature. Constipation is frequently present, as the nervous system of the gut is affected, but diarrhea can also occur."

Okay, so, abdominal pain for me, check, neuropathy (which I checked up on, and I followed it to peripheral neuropathy, which I definitely COULD have, after checking the symptoms), check, 'mental distubances' which I qualify for because of my depression, paranoia, and I'm not sure about anxiety. Constipation, I won't say anything about.
And yes, I am in physical pain sometimes, for NO REASON.


Then, I thought about it, considered it, and decided I probably don't.

I just have a serious weird vampirism problem. I like opening scabs, though it's very painful, and then with my fingers, I get the blood and lick them and do it again and again.
I found that I like blood plasma a lot. Very tangy. Very nice. I found out it was blood plasma after doing some quick research on, guess where, Wikipedia! It's basically the clear stuff you get when it should be bleeding, but it's not.

Well, don't you wish you found the blog of someone who drinks blood EVERY DAY?

Now you get to find out where this takes me. This is an amazing chance, dear reader. I mean, seriously. Wouldn't it be great if you could have read Hannibal Lecter's blog?

Okay, that's all I have to say.

Yes, if you know me in real life, it WOULD be advisable to call my counselor RIGHT NOW and tell him what I've written.
If you don't know that I'm going to counseling, call my house.

If you don't know what my phone number is, ask someone who does... Rocky does!

BTW, Rocky keeps saying he's going to ask out MVIGB, which I find very funny.

Barney is going out with a girl I'll call Jesica. And yes, I spelled it with one S on purpose.

Daboss has a girlfriend from a completely different town. I'm in denial. I'm fine without him!

I guess Ska broke up with his gf some time ago. Poor guy. Too bad I have absolutely no attraction to him. I mean, he's had a gf in my grade.

No other Romance News.

Yes, V-day is coming up. I'm clueless. I should lie low that day...

Saturday, February 9, 2008


I'm bored and I have nothing to post!

However, I will tell you that I am probably going to cut myself tomorrow night.

I plan this sort of thing, yes. I just KNOW that if I don't do anything, I will be very miserable. However, something is changing. I don't want to cut my arm anymore. My leg bleeds a lot when I open the scabs from the horrible razor... I just don't like the pain that comes with cutting my arm. It does hurt, and it's hard to cover up sometimes.

Of course, no one knows that I do what I do to my legs. The blood is just so wonderful. And it smells wonderful. And, I will dare to say that it tastes wonderful, too. I do believe I will do some research on blood on Wikipedia after I post this. I would like to know what I am really doing. Some things about the blood are kind of mysterious to me, and I would like to know more about it...

Anyways, I don't like cutting my arm. It hurts. I can't cut my right arm, which is easier and better for me, because my mom will find out. The left arm isn't a good idea because I am just NOT good at it (being left-handed has affected more than the way I draw and write) and it seems wrong, like it hurts me more. Then again, the first couple times I cut my right arm, it hurt a lot too, so I could just stick with it...

And never be satisified. It doesn't satisfy me, cutting my arm. Not enough blood, not enough scent. When my leg bleeds, there's enough. Enough to scare me, and getting scared is what I like, actually. I like being scared, like that. It's hard to explain, I guess...

Well, that's all...

I hope this did NOT trigger you to cut, if you were thinking about it or anything.

I don't other people to cut, unless they have the same problems as me. It's only civil to cut yourself to satisfy your bloodlust, because I would not let you hurt anyone else to get their blood. We must not hurt others. But, if you're cutting because you need to feel something, for control, or for other stuff, NOT bloodlust, I would implore you to stop. Don't hurt yourself for that sort of thing. The people like me, if there are any, cut because we have some strange need to see/smell/taste blood and we can't get blood from other people.

Until we can be fixed, we must do what we can to feel better.

And that is all I have to say today.

So much for 'nothing,' eh?

Wednesday, February 6, 2008


Sorry, I did that to attract attention to this blog. :-D

Nothing to say. I usually feel like writing in a journal in the first few weeks. I just HAVE to write.

Maybe I have hypergraphia. That would be unfortunate, I suppose. Then again, that means I would have an advantage over other writers. If I decided to really become a writer. Well, I already decided to become one. It's a matter of finishing up and actually getting it published.

Okay, that's all. Bye, readers.

News: Jeri Ryan, who played Seven of Nine in Star Trek: Voyager, has a baby girl due next month. I had not known this until I checked her Wikipedia article today in order to check which of the Star Trek producers she was going out with.

Okay, that really IS all.

Tuesday, February 5, 2008


I had to add a separate post for this.

I finished typing my story! It is AWESOME! I started editing it, too, and I plan to finish editing the second draft by next January, if not sooner. I know I will be getting a LOT of work done over the summer, and February vacation, and then April vacation. So it probably will be done by the time I start ninth grade! Yay!!!!!!

Okay, that's all. :D

Yay, Internet is Back!

Okay, it's been a few days (not THAT many, though) since I last posted, so here are the updates:

I went back to school yesterday and it's all okay, I think. :/

SOMEONE came back but I haven't had a chance to talk to him. Today, he got on the bus (after school, not in the morning) and sat in the front seat, then his sister got on and joined him, and when she saw that her friend was back there, she headed back there and then the Someone followed her with an expression of absolute happiness on his face. I mean, really. That was the gayest face I've ever seen him make.
Sorry. I just had to say that.

Anyways, all of this week is two lunches, one for each grade, and I'm upset because I had wanted to talk (alone) with my friends.

I also accidentally cut my leg badly in the shower the other night. I was shaving my legs, and I nicked my ankles, my knees (barely at all, though), and on my left leg, I somehow removed a long, 3 or 4 inch long, thin patch of skin from my shin. It was horrible. It bled SO much, it creeped me out. I wanted to cry. Or SOMETHING. I didn't know what to do. I just NEEDED to do something. But I didn't cry. I just saw the horrible, insane amounts of blood. I was afraid, but I didn't do anything.

Later, I was picking at the scab/thing (which has a greenish yellow tint, which is bad) and I got off the layer, and it was oozing clear fluid, and I noticed it turning pale white. I knew it was white blood cells, white blood cells to save my body from infection.

And I felt gratitude towards my little white blood cells. They are so nice, those little cells. I would like to thank them. It's weird, feeling honest gratitude. I rarely feel true gratitude towards anyone, and I have a hard time expressing it anyways. But then, I felt sincere thanks and would have said it aloud if my white blood cells would have heard/understood me.

Who's to say they wouldn't have heard me?


And I cut myself last night.
On my left arm instead of my right arm. It was kind of... okay, I guess. I'm not interested in THAT anymore, I guess. I just want something to make me feel better.
It was creepy, seeing the dark red blood, almost a deep purple look, but assuredly red, against my pasty pale white skin.

I guess it was interesting.

Turns out that Jonathan Coulton supports Barack Obama. Interesting.

I just hope that either Clinton or Obama wins. Make history. I don't want another old white guy. That's boring. REALLY boring.

Okay, that's all for now. I guess. Maybe I'll add more later.

I feel like crying. I feel like giving up on the Someone (I don't like calling him Daboss anymore).

Oh, wait, I have something else to say.

Today in Art (it was a half-day so classes were short), at the end, I was just standing around, not doing anything, and I saw a boy I'm friends with staring at me. And he was smiling.

I was pretty sure that nothing was wrong with me, and I automatically jumped to the conclusion that he was 'checking me out' or something like that.

So I decided to try something, and I flipped my hair, showing off the pretty dark golden curls. And the boy seemed interested by that. Which was interesting. And funny. I've never seen a boy looking at a girl that way before.

And yesterday, he WANTED to pair up with me in gym class.
I think that's interesting. The guy is definitely... someone who might be looking, for lack of a better way to describe him. I guess I'll call him Bennie, since I don't want to call him by his real name. He's nice enough so that I don't want to be mean and reveal initials or real names or anything. :D

Well, that's all. Bennie might like me, and D, otherwise known as Rocky's friend, seemed to be looking at my shirt today on the bus (well, kind of my fault. I was showing off that shirt anyways. I think guys like it when I wear that shirt.).
Okay, NOW that's all. :D

Friday, February 1, 2008

Evil Internet!

Somedays, the Internet is my only friend. Other days, I feel like swearing and sending it to you-know-where. ;)

It is going SO slow right now. It took forever just to load, not to mention how broken Rescreatu is, how horrible GaiaOnline is acting, and I guess those are the only sites I've tried so far.

I think I will finish with my story this weekend! I will finish typing it, and I will feel ready to go back to school! Yay!

No, I didn't go to school this week. A little lonely, yes, but it was nice, getting a vacation. I don't even WANT to go back now because I don't want to talk to teachers. They are so annoying. I will have to take numerous quizzes and tests (although I probably will get until Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday because those days they will stay after and make me take quizzes then) and get so much homework. I don't know how to do it. Teachers are so annoying. All I need to know is what homework I need to do, what tests to take and when, and then go home and do the homework on my own time, and then take the quizzes and stuff. But no, they have to be all weird and not give me the homework in the right order or something. :K

I think, if I am a teacher, I will do kids a favor and make sure they will have their makeup work when they get back to school. I probably will be a teacher, so I should plan ahead. And I might not be a teacher. I don't want to have to go to school and go in every day like that. Maybe instead, I will do something else in a school. I do want to be in a school. Help the kids of tomorrow. That sort of thing.

Well, I think I am more likely to be a writer than a teacher, actually.

Maybe I'll be a code monkey. :D

That's all for now. Maybe I'll add another post later today...