Let's see.
Today, my brother will be coming. I guess I will have to wake up (I got up, went downstairs, and got on the computer at 9 in the morning, and that's what I've been doing all morning), and... yeah. Get dressed, since I am wearing my very pink nightgown that Mom gave me. It's very pink... Almost too pink... I don't feel very much like a feminist when I wear this. I feel sexist when I wear this.
I have to finish a friend's birthday present. *nudges friend* It is coming. If it's a few days late, I apologize. You know what's been up if you've been reading my blog.
I guess on Monday, I will go to school, and figure out who my real friends are, and maybe talk to my science teacher about her eavesdropping.
I will tell Daboss about... cutting. I will tell him why he should never do it, why if he does I'll start cutting again (I am quitting for now, wOOt WooT wOoT WoOt!), and give him the little essay I found about cutting...
And I will tell him that if he does cut, it will make him feel better, but please... don't cut. If I'm not cutting, no one else can. It's wrong to let no one else do it if I am, but if I'm not, I cannot let my friends. Especially the person I love.
I am now on Zoloft. Um... yeah. My counselor said it would help my crazy obsessive thoughts. Kinda freaks me out, the idea that I am taking a drug that is changing my thoughts.
Um... Yes. Sounds like a sci-fi movie. A drug is controlling my thoughts.
Okay, just now, I let my obsessive thought come, and I seem to be able to dismiss it pretty easily. That's cool. I mean, I will never be fully rid of the FEELING, but I don't feel as bad. I feel like I am able to control it. That's coooooooool...
Then again, maybe this is a placebo...
They lied to me. This is just a fake pill I'm taking, it's not doing anything. Drugs can't affect thoughts. They LIED.
Nah.
I'd rather lie to myself and pretend that it really is affecting my thoughts, rather than it being a placebo. Besides, I THINK it will work, so it's going to work, probably.
I'm not sure if I feel like living again. I mean, lots of good stuff has happened in the past few days (and I ate a calzone! YUM!), and more good stuff is coming, so maybe that is making me happy.
Either way, just now, I was 'playing by myself' which is a term I use for myself when I'm alone and I... Hm... It's hard to describe. Well, I saw a 'Dashing Gentleman Emerald Waist Band' or something on Gaia and I said 'Gentleman' whispering aloud and I just hammed it up, basically. I used to do that when I was little.
Maybe I am feeling better.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Friday, March 14, 2008
The Aftermath
Okay...
My dad was here today. I got up at noon only because I heard him come in, and I realized that I should probably greet him. I slept maybe 14 hours. Kinda weird. I took some Melatonin (a sleeping pill-like thing) and fell asleep at maybe 9:30 or so. Maybe a bit earlier.
And I slept until noon... Interesting...
I think I dreamt a lot, but I can't remember them now...
Whatever.
Dad bought me some tulips. They are pretty and red. Maybe I will take a picture of them with my cellphone or something.
I called Rocky yesterday and got the truth. He told a girl, and our science teacher was 'eavesdropping' in Rocky's words, and she told the assistant principal.
And whoop-de-do, I got to go to the hospital. I told Rocky he couldn't tell anyone, and he said that MVIGB, the girl he was telling, and the girl he likes had been told by our teacher that they would be in major trouble if they told anyone.
Great.
That's all I want to say. Great.
I wonder if my brother, who is visiting tomorrow, will know anything about it. I wonder if my siblings know much about it. At least one of them knows I went to the hospital.
My dad was telling me things today... It was weird and he was being very emotional.
I think the reason his family likes Star Trek is because Vulcans embody the un-emotional state that their family strives for.
I guess what my dad was trying to say is it's okay to show your emotions.
I think Star Trek has ruined some lives, while making other people's lives so much better.
So, what would the Star Trek people do, knowing that they ruin some lives and make so many more lives better? Would they all kill themselves for us? The one family that got ruined?
Knowing Captain Picard, Captain Janeway, and the crew, I'd say yes.
Knowing that doesn't make me feel better.
Today is Pi Day. Pwnsome? Yes. Every math student had better gotten a pie or drew one for their math teacher. Make a circle that looks like a pie. And write the pi symbol on it. And say, "Here's a pie for Pi day!"
My dad was here today. I got up at noon only because I heard him come in, and I realized that I should probably greet him. I slept maybe 14 hours. Kinda weird. I took some Melatonin (a sleeping pill-like thing) and fell asleep at maybe 9:30 or so. Maybe a bit earlier.
And I slept until noon... Interesting...
I think I dreamt a lot, but I can't remember them now...
Whatever.
Dad bought me some tulips. They are pretty and red. Maybe I will take a picture of them with my cellphone or something.
I called Rocky yesterday and got the truth. He told a girl, and our science teacher was 'eavesdropping' in Rocky's words, and she told the assistant principal.
And whoop-de-do, I got to go to the hospital. I told Rocky he couldn't tell anyone, and he said that MVIGB, the girl he was telling, and the girl he likes had been told by our teacher that they would be in major trouble if they told anyone.
Great.
That's all I want to say. Great.
I wonder if my brother, who is visiting tomorrow, will know anything about it. I wonder if my siblings know much about it. At least one of them knows I went to the hospital.
My dad was telling me things today... It was weird and he was being very emotional.
I think the reason his family likes Star Trek is because Vulcans embody the un-emotional state that their family strives for.
I guess what my dad was trying to say is it's okay to show your emotions.
I think Star Trek has ruined some lives, while making other people's lives so much better.
So, what would the Star Trek people do, knowing that they ruin some lives and make so many more lives better? Would they all kill themselves for us? The one family that got ruined?
Knowing Captain Picard, Captain Janeway, and the crew, I'd say yes.
Knowing that doesn't make me feel better.
Today is Pi Day. Pwnsome? Yes. Every math student had better gotten a pie or drew one for their math teacher. Make a circle that looks like a pie. And write the pi symbol on it. And say, "Here's a pie for Pi day!"
Thursday, March 13, 2008
WHAAAAAA???
Last night was weird.
A little after seven o'clock in the evening, the phone rings. My mom answers.
"It's for you," she said, handing me the phone, "It's Rocky." (she used his real first name)
I am soooooo confused and I have NO idea what is going on, but I talk to him, and it was a strange conversation...
I won't tell you all he said, but he said some amazingly insightful things, kind things, and things that make me want to say, "Awwwwwwwww."
NO! HE DOESN'T LIKE ME. I cannot give you that knowledge. He and I actually were talking about the girl he likes a little. I think she's on the verge of becoming a dumb blonde (personally) but maybe she will be salvaged.
Either way, after she tried to make Rocky jealous the way she did, they'd better go out. I want to see Rocky in a relationship for a little while (when he breaks up, I'll just make sure his heart isn't taken yet, and be VERY kind to him for a few weeks...) because I would like to feel like I can be friends with him without the undeniable sexual friction. Okay, there's no sexual friction, but there is romantic friction. I said these words to him last night. "I wish I didn't like you last year. I think it really fucked things up." (ooh, I said a bad word) He agreed. I think that since it was clear that nothing would ever happen between us, it made it easier to think of being just friends.
Okay... Rocky said something I will never forget because he, of all people, said it. "You might not think so, but when you hurt yourself, it hurts other people too... Maybe even more than it hurts you."
I couldn't believe he said that because... Rocky has never displayed that sort of maturity before. He had never said anything that insightful before. He showed that he cared. If he could promise to always care about me like that, I could live. I could live on his friendship... But I have learned not to rely on things anymore. I will try to let myself lean on him a little, but in the end, I have to stand on my own two feet.
Okay, so Rocky convinced me to go to school today. It's amazing. He convinced me to do something... So, I went to school (DABOSS GOT A HAIRCUT AND I AM SO FREAKING ANGRY!). I went to French in the morning (OMG every boy in that class had a haircut and they all SUCKED!), and the Mme was rather put out that I had SO much stuff I had to do... And then, after a few minutes of quiet-ish work (MVIGB kept asking me why I was absent, and I couldn't really say...), the principal came in. He gestured for me to come with him, and as I left the room, Mr. Catholic (a friend) made that 'slitting throat' motion to me. He was joking, but OMG he found out later (I assume) his joke became all too true.
So the principal, as we walked to his office, asked, "Have you lost weight?" and I'm like, "No," because I think I've gained weight lately, and he said, "You look thinner... Not to say you looked bigger before..." Um, faux pas super, Monsieur. Okay, so then we go into his office and I know something's up when my guidance counselor is in there.
Bottom line, somebody told the school that I had left a message on somebody's phone and that I wanted to kill myself, I was cutting my legs, and all that.
And the nurse found the initials on my leg. She figured out it was the initials of a friend. I refused to give his identity. I couldn't draw him into it. I couldn't say his name.
I should have.
But it's too late right now. They informed me that I would be going to a hospital for psychiatric evaluation.
In my head, I said, "Damn."
They spent, like, two hours telling me to be honest and tell them EVERYTHING.
Oh, and I figured out what broke me... When Daboss wasn't on the bus. It broke me... "Thinking someone you love is dead when they are not." I didn't know how true that was until I experienced this myself. I KNEW that he wasn't dead, but it felt like it. There was an underlying fear of his death... Scary...
Anyways. My mom finally came in. She visibly freaked when they used the words 'cut her legs', but she made no sound, and they paid it no mind. Whatever. I was just going crazy. Rocky, what have you done? What did you do, you loving idiot? Why did you do this? You're a jerk, a caring, wonderful, friendly JERK that I love--as a friend.
Okay, so my mom took me to the hospital. The ER, to be exact. I got 'psychiatric evaluation' which I really didn't like. The lady was being insensitive. But I'll let it be.
I made friends with a nurse, Michelle. She was nice. We played cards. I won Go Fish, War, and she won Crazy Eights (I had to teach her to play Crazy Eights, and she already knew how to play the other games). Don't suppose I'll see her again. Doesn't matter.
I can wear shorts when it's warm enough. My mom knows, and that's all I cared about. As long as she didn't know. If she knows, then I can wear shorts to school, and FREAK 'EM OUT!
I mean, think about it... Lines... Lots of lines on my leg. The kids will see and I will not need to speak.
I don't think I will let anyone besides Rocky know that I went to the hospital. If news goes out that I was at a hospital, then that means I cut REAL bad. Now that I am going to start turning my life around, I don't want stupid rumors around.
That's right, people, I am going to start trying to quit cutting.
Okay, I know it's "Do or do not, there is no try."
I will start to quit cutting.
Nice sentence. It makes me feel pretty inside.
Oh, and news for students at my school:
A little after seven o'clock in the evening, the phone rings. My mom answers.
"It's for you," she said, handing me the phone, "It's Rocky." (she used his real first name)
I am soooooo confused and I have NO idea what is going on, but I talk to him, and it was a strange conversation...
I won't tell you all he said, but he said some amazingly insightful things, kind things, and things that make me want to say, "Awwwwwwwww."
NO! HE DOESN'T LIKE ME. I cannot give you that knowledge. He and I actually were talking about the girl he likes a little. I think she's on the verge of becoming a dumb blonde (personally) but maybe she will be salvaged.
Either way, after she tried to make Rocky jealous the way she did, they'd better go out. I want to see Rocky in a relationship for a little while (when he breaks up, I'll just make sure his heart isn't taken yet, and be VERY kind to him for a few weeks...) because I would like to feel like I can be friends with him without the undeniable sexual friction. Okay, there's no sexual friction, but there is romantic friction. I said these words to him last night. "I wish I didn't like you last year. I think it really fucked things up." (ooh, I said a bad word) He agreed. I think that since it was clear that nothing would ever happen between us, it made it easier to think of being just friends.
Okay... Rocky said something I will never forget because he, of all people, said it. "You might not think so, but when you hurt yourself, it hurts other people too... Maybe even more than it hurts you."
I couldn't believe he said that because... Rocky has never displayed that sort of maturity before. He had never said anything that insightful before. He showed that he cared. If he could promise to always care about me like that, I could live. I could live on his friendship... But I have learned not to rely on things anymore. I will try to let myself lean on him a little, but in the end, I have to stand on my own two feet.
Okay, so Rocky convinced me to go to school today. It's amazing. He convinced me to do something... So, I went to school (DABOSS GOT A HAIRCUT AND I AM SO FREAKING ANGRY!). I went to French in the morning (OMG every boy in that class had a haircut and they all SUCKED!), and the Mme was rather put out that I had SO much stuff I had to do... And then, after a few minutes of quiet-ish work (MVIGB kept asking me why I was absent, and I couldn't really say...), the principal came in. He gestured for me to come with him, and as I left the room, Mr. Catholic (a friend) made that 'slitting throat' motion to me. He was joking, but OMG he found out later (I assume) his joke became all too true.
So the principal, as we walked to his office, asked, "Have you lost weight?" and I'm like, "No," because I think I've gained weight lately, and he said, "You look thinner... Not to say you looked bigger before..." Um, faux pas super, Monsieur. Okay, so then we go into his office and I know something's up when my guidance counselor is in there.
Bottom line, somebody told the school that I had left a message on somebody's phone and that I wanted to kill myself, I was cutting my legs, and all that.
And the nurse found the initials on my leg. She figured out it was the initials of a friend. I refused to give his identity. I couldn't draw him into it. I couldn't say his name.
I should have.
But it's too late right now. They informed me that I would be going to a hospital for psychiatric evaluation.
In my head, I said, "Damn."
They spent, like, two hours telling me to be honest and tell them EVERYTHING.
Oh, and I figured out what broke me... When Daboss wasn't on the bus. It broke me... "Thinking someone you love is dead when they are not." I didn't know how true that was until I experienced this myself. I KNEW that he wasn't dead, but it felt like it. There was an underlying fear of his death... Scary...
Anyways. My mom finally came in. She visibly freaked when they used the words 'cut her legs', but she made no sound, and they paid it no mind. Whatever. I was just going crazy. Rocky, what have you done? What did you do, you loving idiot? Why did you do this? You're a jerk, a caring, wonderful, friendly JERK that I love--as a friend.
Okay, so my mom took me to the hospital. The ER, to be exact. I got 'psychiatric evaluation' which I really didn't like. The lady was being insensitive. But I'll let it be.
I made friends with a nurse, Michelle. She was nice. We played cards. I won Go Fish, War, and she won Crazy Eights (I had to teach her to play Crazy Eights, and she already knew how to play the other games). Don't suppose I'll see her again. Doesn't matter.
I can wear shorts when it's warm enough. My mom knows, and that's all I cared about. As long as she didn't know. If she knows, then I can wear shorts to school, and FREAK 'EM OUT!
I mean, think about it... Lines... Lots of lines on my leg. The kids will see and I will not need to speak.
I don't think I will let anyone besides Rocky know that I went to the hospital. If news goes out that I was at a hospital, then that means I cut REAL bad. Now that I am going to start turning my life around, I don't want stupid rumors around.
That's right, people, I am going to start trying to quit cutting.
Okay, I know it's "Do or do not, there is no try."
I will start to quit cutting.
Nice sentence. It makes me feel pretty inside.
Oh, and news for students at my school:
- our principal (that's right, the one we all wish didn't exist), hugged me. He actually did. (my mom was in the room, though) I have been hugged by our very own principal, but not by most of my siblings. Something seems wrong there...
- the principal called me 'little girl' twice although he always USED to call me 'young lady'. Regression, perhaps?
- when he spoke of the nurse checking my legs for cuts, he referred to it as 'your legs and things' three times. Um... what things? Do I want to know...?
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Technorati!
Technorati Profile
I have claimed my blog at Technorati, so now maybe people will come here. And I will get some hits.
If you are reading my blog for the first time, then know this:
I don't know if I'm going to go to school this week. I hope I go on Thursday, and I'm planning on it, but I really don't want to.
Dad visited today. He hasn't left yet.
Mom had better say something about my brother moving out/paying rent. I sent her an email with today's Dear Abby story. It was the responses to the January 7th one, and I thought since it had to do with kicking twenty-something year old guys out of the house of their mom, I thought it would be kind of meaningful to her.
Get the hint, Mom. I want that big baby out of the house. I am not staying here to be verbally and emotionally abused by a guy who should have been out of the house at least three years ago. More like four or five. If I can't enjoy school, I had better enjoy home, and when I can't enjoy either place, that's when I go to a foster home.
If my brother isn't out of the house by the time my parents finish up with their divorce, I just might ask to live with Dad to get out of here.
I have claimed my blog at Technorati, so now maybe people will come here. And I will get some hits.
If you are reading my blog for the first time, then know this:
- Read the sidebar-thing over there.
- If you have any questions, leave a comment or email me or something. You know? I'll answer any questions that are not too personal.
- This blog is, yes, about cutting. If you don't like knowing about the truth, then I'd bet that you don't care about stopping smoking, drugs, or alcohol addictions, because people who cut are just like druggies, smokers, or alcoholics. They can't stop, even if they want to.
- If you have ever SH'd (Self-Harmed) in the past, you should mosey on down to my brand new group: Sanguinolent Respect. AKA Sanguinolent Revenge. I call it both, because it is both.
I don't know if I'm going to go to school this week. I hope I go on Thursday, and I'm planning on it, but I really don't want to.
Dad visited today. He hasn't left yet.
Mom had better say something about my brother moving out/paying rent. I sent her an email with today's Dear Abby story. It was the responses to the January 7th one, and I thought since it had to do with kicking twenty-something year old guys out of the house of their mom, I thought it would be kind of meaningful to her.
Get the hint, Mom. I want that big baby out of the house. I am not staying here to be verbally and emotionally abused by a guy who should have been out of the house at least three years ago. More like four or five. If I can't enjoy school, I had better enjoy home, and when I can't enjoy either place, that's when I go to a foster home.
If my brother isn't out of the house by the time my parents finish up with their divorce, I just might ask to live with Dad to get out of here.
Monday, March 10, 2008
Sick...
I hate having colds.
But right now I feel okay. My nose is drying up a little, I'm not sneezing too much, and my cough is almost gone. It's nice and not too warm or too cold in here. My siblings are all here, and my mom is making a super early supper before she takes my sister D to her counseling appointment.
And we're watching Forrest Gump.
M'name's Forrest, Forrest Gump.
Run, Forrest, Run!
Yup. That's a good movie. I never saw the whole thing. I've seen maybe the first third, and parts of the middle, but not that much.
D is 17 now. That means that in one year, she can like... I don't know, get a paypal account and then we can buy the occasional cool thing. Like a Monkey at JoCo's site. I wonder what the funny comment will be.
Not anything else to say... I guess...
I miss school. But I do think this is good for me, staying home. I guess I'll go back on Wednesday. I can't wait to see the others again, but I sure can wait to see my homework. :/ May my teachers not assign any homework...
But right now I feel okay. My nose is drying up a little, I'm not sneezing too much, and my cough is almost gone. It's nice and not too warm or too cold in here. My siblings are all here, and my mom is making a super early supper before she takes my sister D to her counseling appointment.
And we're watching Forrest Gump.
M'name's Forrest, Forrest Gump.
Run, Forrest, Run!
Yup. That's a good movie. I never saw the whole thing. I've seen maybe the first third, and parts of the middle, but not that much.
D is 17 now. That means that in one year, she can like... I don't know, get a paypal account and then we can buy the occasional cool thing. Like a Monkey at JoCo's site. I wonder what the funny comment will be.
Not anything else to say... I guess...
I miss school. But I do think this is good for me, staying home. I guess I'll go back on Wednesday. I can't wait to see the others again, but I sure can wait to see my homework. :/ May my teachers not assign any homework...
Saturday, March 8, 2008
RIP, pretty birdy.
My sister's Gloucestor (sp?) canary died this morning. His name was Truman, and he made very pretty noises. He sang prettily and chirped and stuff and made a laser gun noise sometimes which was cool. He was cute and fluffy and I went with my sister to the pet store to get him, months ago.
He hasn't been using his feet very much lately, and the poor little guy died, I guess...
I thought I dreamt about him last night. I might have been overhearing things my mom and my sister were saying though. But I think I dreamt of him.
RIP, Truman. You were a cute birdy...
I also had a dream about Empire Earth. My brother had finally gotten it on our computer or something, and I was overjoyed beyond joy. I miss playing that game SO much, although they came out with EE2 and it's one of the worst RST games ever. I just loved playing it.
I WANT THAT GAME.
This week is definitely one of the saddest, worst weeks all year. I mean, the whole family is pretty much sick. I keep coughing and sneezing and stuff, and I am in complete misery. And usually the computer is one of my most relaxing places. It's not too dusty in this room, and all that.
I hate being sick. At least I won't be lying on Monday when I say that I was really sick.
I can't believe how horrible everything is. I need to be able to eat, sleep, drink, write, and live without worrying about things for a while.
I think I need to test myself. If I really live a worry-free life for a week, will I need to cut?
I don't know.
I hate the way my cut up leg looks. Lines, so many lines, and more lines.
Disturbing.
He hasn't been using his feet very much lately, and the poor little guy died, I guess...
I thought I dreamt about him last night. I might have been overhearing things my mom and my sister were saying though. But I think I dreamt of him.
RIP, Truman. You were a cute birdy...
I also had a dream about Empire Earth. My brother had finally gotten it on our computer or something, and I was overjoyed beyond joy. I miss playing that game SO much, although they came out with EE2 and it's one of the worst RST games ever. I just loved playing it.
I WANT THAT GAME.
This week is definitely one of the saddest, worst weeks all year. I mean, the whole family is pretty much sick. I keep coughing and sneezing and stuff, and I am in complete misery. And usually the computer is one of my most relaxing places. It's not too dusty in this room, and all that.
I hate being sick. At least I won't be lying on Monday when I say that I was really sick.
I can't believe how horrible everything is. I need to be able to eat, sleep, drink, write, and live without worrying about things for a while.
I think I need to test myself. If I really live a worry-free life for a week, will I need to cut?
I don't know.
I hate the way my cut up leg looks. Lines, so many lines, and more lines.
Disturbing.
Friday, March 7, 2008
A Two-Post Day
I got something to post about now.
Okay, first, I was outside today and I was watching our chicken, Bucky, being chicken-y and pecking at the ground and stuff.
Then these birds were chirping and stuff (I think they were upset that I was there, they were annoyed little clicks) and there was this one tree that they were in.
I figure that the birds were having some kinda par-tay in that tree, and since I know I would not like a giant to watch me at an awesome dance party, I left. :D
Okay, what I am really posting about is that I was on rottenneighbor.com (I wanted to see if people were complaining about our neighbors who might get evicted soon, YAY because they are annoying; the old 80 year old guy hitchhikes and walks down the road with his toolbox and it's creepy because I'm afraid he'll be there one day when I get off the bus) and then I was looking at 'interesting neighbors' and the one at the top was about Megan Meier.
Her story is just a LITTLE bit disturbing to me. (this story was news last November, but I just heard about it today, or I read the story today)
I mean, okay, myspace is not a good site, everyone knows that. There are something like 30,000 sex offenders on that site.
And those are the ones stupid enough to use their real names. The ones who use fake identities... who knows how many?
Myspace is not a great place. Facebook is better because it has an Oregon trail game in which you can eat people (cannibalism, not THAT kind of eating people). I know this only because my sister has a Facebook. I'm going to make one myself when I get into high school. Anyways.
So, myspace is bad. People get abducted because of it. Girls commit suicide because of it.
I don't know what you guys think, but I have to say "No der" and "Why can't you adults THINK once in a while?"
Lori Drew is the dumbest person I've ever heard of. She killed that girl, same as if she stabbed her with a knife.
I say this because I know, with my own suicidal thoughts, that people can kill others without even knowing it. They might love the person (to death, I might say) but they can kill them. People are killing me every single day of my life.
I can't imagine the suicide LMP I'm going to write (LMP-Literary MarketPlace, and I say this because it will be so long).
I will have a clause for just about everyone I have ever met, heard of, or basically thought of. I wouldn't be surprised if in my insanity, I write a page or two for Linda and Eric, who aren't even real.
OK G2G, BRB
Okay, I am back, and I am SERIOUSLY disturbed now. I mean, I don't think I could get much more disturbed right now.
My brother made me clean Bucky's crap off of his truck (she likes sleeping there, it's not my fault), and what I did was scrape it off with a shovel and then I needed water to rinse off the rest of it.
So I'm looking for a milk jug or something so I can dump water on it and wash it off, and what I find is this thing, half underneath one of our chicken coops (vacant since we only have 1 chicken left) which I pick up. I thought it was empty, but I heard some water sloshing around or whatever, so I go to dump out the water.
Out comes some disturbing brownish-red stuff. I could have told you that was muddy, bloody water without a second guess, but I was so freaked out since I glanced inside the milk jug and saw SOMETHING at the mouth so I put it right-side up and thought for a minute.
"Probably just some muddy water. But that thing is probably a little animal," the thoughts in my head went.
So I dumped out the loverly rest of the water, and not surprisingly, out came a little dead mouse, drowned.
I will admit to almost shrieking, and I did jump away a couple feet and drop the milk jug, and get freaked out completely.
But that's okay. I mean, it's a dead thing... And... I had dumped out water mixed with it's rotten blood.
I knew that it had died recently because after I finished cleaning off my brother's truck (not that bad, really), I looked at it. The fur was clean, pretty, and even kinda white. Just very wet.
And very dead.
It's paws were so... something. It's front right paw was stuck up, like when you put your elbow on a desk and hold your forearm vertically up, and your hand flops over. Do it now. Relax your hand, and when it's limp, put your fingers together, and that was how it looked. Except it was a cute mouse, and it looked like it had died screaming in pain or something. I don't know if it even HAD a back end. Like something just pulverized the little mouse pelvis and back legs. (Mice do have pelvises, right?)
Either way, it was a great lesson in osmosis. Like, seriously. If I wasn't already used to seeing blood, I probably would have FREAKED.
I'll try not to describe anymore, in case anyone here is ah, well, let's call it, 'squeamish'.
Um... I guess nothin' else to say. I kinda went off topic with what I was saying, so I'll give up.
I think I'll call some people.
Okay, first, I was outside today and I was watching our chicken, Bucky, being chicken-y and pecking at the ground and stuff.
Then these birds were chirping and stuff (I think they were upset that I was there, they were annoyed little clicks) and there was this one tree that they were in.
I figure that the birds were having some kinda par-tay in that tree, and since I know I would not like a giant to watch me at an awesome dance party, I left. :D
Okay, what I am really posting about is that I was on rottenneighbor.com (I wanted to see if people were complaining about our neighbors who might get evicted soon, YAY because they are annoying; the old 80 year old guy hitchhikes and walks down the road with his toolbox and it's creepy because I'm afraid he'll be there one day when I get off the bus) and then I was looking at 'interesting neighbors' and the one at the top was about Megan Meier.
Her story is just a LITTLE bit disturbing to me. (this story was news last November, but I just heard about it today, or I read the story today)
I mean, okay, myspace is not a good site, everyone knows that. There are something like 30,000 sex offenders on that site.
And those are the ones stupid enough to use their real names. The ones who use fake identities... who knows how many?
Myspace is not a great place. Facebook is better because it has an Oregon trail game in which you can eat people (cannibalism, not THAT kind of eating people). I know this only because my sister has a Facebook. I'm going to make one myself when I get into high school. Anyways.
So, myspace is bad. People get abducted because of it. Girls commit suicide because of it.
I don't know what you guys think, but I have to say "No der" and "Why can't you adults THINK once in a while?"
Lori Drew is the dumbest person I've ever heard of. She killed that girl, same as if she stabbed her with a knife.
I say this because I know, with my own suicidal thoughts, that people can kill others without even knowing it. They might love the person (to death, I might say) but they can kill them. People are killing me every single day of my life.
I can't imagine the suicide LMP I'm going to write (LMP-Literary MarketPlace, and I say this because it will be so long).
I will have a clause for just about everyone I have ever met, heard of, or basically thought of. I wouldn't be surprised if in my insanity, I write a page or two for Linda and Eric, who aren't even real.
OK G2G, BRB
Okay, I am back, and I am SERIOUSLY disturbed now. I mean, I don't think I could get much more disturbed right now.
My brother made me clean Bucky's crap off of his truck (she likes sleeping there, it's not my fault), and what I did was scrape it off with a shovel and then I needed water to rinse off the rest of it.
So I'm looking for a milk jug or something so I can dump water on it and wash it off, and what I find is this thing, half underneath one of our chicken coops (vacant since we only have 1 chicken left) which I pick up. I thought it was empty, but I heard some water sloshing around or whatever, so I go to dump out the water.
Out comes some disturbing brownish-red stuff. I could have told you that was muddy, bloody water without a second guess, but I was so freaked out since I glanced inside the milk jug and saw SOMETHING at the mouth so I put it right-side up and thought for a minute.
"Probably just some muddy water. But that thing is probably a little animal," the thoughts in my head went.
So I dumped out the loverly rest of the water, and not surprisingly, out came a little dead mouse, drowned.
I will admit to almost shrieking, and I did jump away a couple feet and drop the milk jug, and get freaked out completely.
But that's okay. I mean, it's a dead thing... And... I had dumped out water mixed with it's rotten blood.
I knew that it had died recently because after I finished cleaning off my brother's truck (not that bad, really), I looked at it. The fur was clean, pretty, and even kinda white. Just very wet.
And very dead.
It's paws were so... something. It's front right paw was stuck up, like when you put your elbow on a desk and hold your forearm vertically up, and your hand flops over. Do it now. Relax your hand, and when it's limp, put your fingers together, and that was how it looked. Except it was a cute mouse, and it looked like it had died screaming in pain or something. I don't know if it even HAD a back end. Like something just pulverized the little mouse pelvis and back legs. (Mice do have pelvises, right?)
Either way, it was a great lesson in osmosis. Like, seriously. If I wasn't already used to seeing blood, I probably would have FREAKED.
I'll try not to describe anymore, in case anyone here is ah, well, let's call it, 'squeamish'.
Um... I guess nothin' else to say. I kinda went off topic with what I was saying, so I'll give up.
I think I'll call some people.
(Insert interesting title here)
Let's see...
Yup, nothing happening.
I missed another day of school. (if for some reason, JoCo saw my comment on stealing my dad's guitar, and went to this site, YOU ROCK, JOCO! and read this blog so your little two year old never cuts though if you were my father, I don't think I could cut myself) (yes I would like it if you were my dad better than if my dad was my father)
I just applied for membership with the JoCo forums... Because I wanted to be the only 13 year old in the 'YOB' thread. :D
I do think I am one of JoCo's youngest fans. If not the youngest...
I will have to find out. I probably am the youngest. That's interesting. "I am Jonathan Coulton's youngest fan."
Oh yeah, I'm guessing that his kid would be his youngest fan. Darn. Beat out by a little kid... :/ Maybe that's why I can't stand little kids? They always seem to be doing things better or faster than me!
Nothing else happening today. Then again, it's morning, so I guess nothing could have happened yet today.
I have a new character in my story. His name is Torin. He is Linda's best friend (or something) and I'm putting a 'no romance' policy in there now before I get any ideas. I'm dying to make sure she has kissed someone before she meets Eric, but I think it'll be fine if that's her first kiss.
Of course that would mean that in her entire life, the only other person she kisses is Ferdinand, so I guess that would be a little messed up. It would awkward to have only kissed two people in your whole life (romantic kissing, I mean, not family kissing).
I guess Torin might like Linda, but she doesn't like him. Then again, I have a feeling that part of Torin's philosophy involves some celibacy. I'm not sure. He serves Ewoun as much as any other 'loyal' Rospian, but he is a philosopher (a young one, albeit) so he may or may not have decided to take some vows of abstinence from various things.
Oh yeah, I did cut myself last night. I will tell Rocky (on Monday) that he has to hit me again. I kind of like being hit for this. I desperately need punishment for what I do. I really do. People need to be punished for things they do wrong. Cutting is so wrong. My mother won't punish me because she KNOWS that punishment isn't the answer to cutting. I wouldn't stop cutting because I was punished, but it helps me think better. It lets me know that he cares a little.
Anyways, away from the weirdness/nastiness...
I could write about my story and stuff, but most people will have NO idea what's going on, so I'll just let you alone on that. And any of the people who would want to hear it can PM me on the various sites we communicate on. Okay, I'm going to stop writing this post. I'll add another one if I have to.
Yup, nothing happening.
I missed another day of school. (if for some reason, JoCo saw my comment on stealing my dad's guitar, and went to this site, YOU ROCK, JOCO! and read this blog so your little two year old never cuts though if you were my father, I don't think I could cut myself) (yes I would like it if you were my dad better than if my dad was my father)
I just applied for membership with the JoCo forums... Because I wanted to be the only 13 year old in the 'YOB' thread. :D
I do think I am one of JoCo's youngest fans. If not the youngest...
I will have to find out. I probably am the youngest. That's interesting. "I am Jonathan Coulton's youngest fan."
Oh yeah, I'm guessing that his kid would be his youngest fan. Darn. Beat out by a little kid... :/ Maybe that's why I can't stand little kids? They always seem to be doing things better or faster than me!
Nothing else happening today. Then again, it's morning, so I guess nothing could have happened yet today.
I have a new character in my story. His name is Torin. He is Linda's best friend (or something) and I'm putting a 'no romance' policy in there now before I get any ideas. I'm dying to make sure she has kissed someone before she meets Eric, but I think it'll be fine if that's her first kiss.
Of course that would mean that in her entire life, the only other person she kisses is Ferdinand, so I guess that would be a little messed up. It would awkward to have only kissed two people in your whole life (romantic kissing, I mean, not family kissing).
I guess Torin might like Linda, but she doesn't like him. Then again, I have a feeling that part of Torin's philosophy involves some celibacy. I'm not sure. He serves Ewoun as much as any other 'loyal' Rospian, but he is a philosopher (a young one, albeit) so he may or may not have decided to take some vows of abstinence from various things.
Oh yeah, I did cut myself last night. I will tell Rocky (on Monday) that he has to hit me again. I kind of like being hit for this. I desperately need punishment for what I do. I really do. People need to be punished for things they do wrong. Cutting is so wrong. My mother won't punish me because she KNOWS that punishment isn't the answer to cutting. I wouldn't stop cutting because I was punished, but it helps me think better. It lets me know that he cares a little.
Anyways, away from the weirdness/nastiness...
I could write about my story and stuff, but most people will have NO idea what's going on, so I'll just let you alone on that. And any of the people who would want to hear it can PM me on the various sites we communicate on. Okay, I'm going to stop writing this post. I'll add another one if I have to.
Thursday, March 6, 2008
So dead today
So... I'm feeling dead today.
I didn't go to school again today. I guess I'll go tomorrow. People will think that I cut myself badly again. I did try to last night, but I couldn't do it. I couldn't go through with it.
Great. I AM a failure at everything. I can't even cut myself.
Well, it's because I'm so sensitive about my wrist. If I could just get past the fear, I could do it, and be happy for a while.
I guess I'll do all of that homework stuff I was going to do on Tuesday now. Today, I mean. I'm glad I worked on L.C. and I did my internet stuff already. And then I got enough sleep and stuff.
Okay, I will go to school tomorrow!
I didn't go to school again today. I guess I'll go tomorrow. People will think that I cut myself badly again. I did try to last night, but I couldn't do it. I couldn't go through with it.
Great. I AM a failure at everything. I can't even cut myself.
Well, it's because I'm so sensitive about my wrist. If I could just get past the fear, I could do it, and be happy for a while.
I guess I'll do all of that homework stuff I was going to do on Tuesday now. Today, I mean. I'm glad I worked on L.C. and I did my internet stuff already. And then I got enough sleep and stuff.
Okay, I will go to school tomorrow!
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Absent again
I am absent again.
I'm just losing it. Losing control. I don't know how much longer I can do this. Life. It's too much for me. I can't handle it.
It's because of the Boss (AKA Daboss), Rocky, Ducky, and yeah, I guess all of my problems at school are guy problems. I just make up my problems, really. I have friends. I do.
I just have a problem with letting myself see that. I have friends. They are my friends. It's just that I never told them how I really want my friends to be. Supportive... give me a hug when I'm sad... not laughing at me, but with me.
I'm not good at the whole social thing. I was homeschooled for three years, but it ruined me. I make huge mistakes all of the time. I haven't made AS bad mistakes lately, and I'm being very cautious, but I can't live life like this.
I think I would like to kill myself because the others would be hurt, but I won't get to enjoy it, and there is always the huge chance that my life will get better tomorrow, and if I kill myself, I will feel nothing as opposed to happiness.
Right now, it would be nothing vs. pain. Um, nothing is the no-brainer, right? Yeah, that's why kids at school say cutting yourself is stupid.
GOD I F***ING KNOW THAT IT'S STUPID, BUT DRUGGIES ARE STUPID TOO!
I cannot BELIEVE that kids say to my face, "Cutting yourself is SO stupid!" I am SO annoyed that people say that TO MY FACE. No one insults Jehovah's Witnesses to my face if they know that I am supposedly one (if I was, I don't think this blog would exist, or be about 'my new life').
They tell me that they say it because they think I will stop if I am told that it's stupid. Okay, I KNOW how stupid it is to hurt yourself. I am FREAKIN' ADDICTED. You can't just stop cutting.
People need to understand that.
And to follow up on the 'white people on the bad end of racism' there was something on GMA today about the Rutgers coach (sorry, I don't remember the name), who I definitely admire a little now.
I thought about it. Don Imus made a stupid, racist, sexist remark. People FREAKED and he was taken off the air for a while. Yet, I can easily see, rather, hear, a black comedian (I can't think of any names because I don't know any comedians except like Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert) saying that same thing, and people raising eyebrows after they stopped laughing, but they wouldn't make as big of a deal. Maybe people would just laugh and file it in their short-term memory, to be forgotten soon enough.
If this is untrue, I ask you to give me an example of when this happened. When people actually realized that if Don Imus or any white guy said this, people would react in the exact same way they did when the black comedian said it. I really don't think this has ever happened.
I am just so annoyed that the world has gone so 'whites being anti-racist', we've gone racist again. This is driving me insane.
I'm just losing it. Losing control. I don't know how much longer I can do this. Life. It's too much for me. I can't handle it.
It's because of the Boss (AKA Daboss), Rocky, Ducky, and yeah, I guess all of my problems at school are guy problems. I just make up my problems, really. I have friends. I do.
I just have a problem with letting myself see that. I have friends. They are my friends. It's just that I never told them how I really want my friends to be. Supportive... give me a hug when I'm sad... not laughing at me, but with me.
I'm not good at the whole social thing. I was homeschooled for three years, but it ruined me. I make huge mistakes all of the time. I haven't made AS bad mistakes lately, and I'm being very cautious, but I can't live life like this.
I think I would like to kill myself because the others would be hurt, but I won't get to enjoy it, and there is always the huge chance that my life will get better tomorrow, and if I kill myself, I will feel nothing as opposed to happiness.
Right now, it would be nothing vs. pain. Um, nothing is the no-brainer, right? Yeah, that's why kids at school say cutting yourself is stupid.
GOD I F***ING KNOW THAT IT'S STUPID, BUT DRUGGIES ARE STUPID TOO!
I cannot BELIEVE that kids say to my face, "Cutting yourself is SO stupid!" I am SO annoyed that people say that TO MY FACE. No one insults Jehovah's Witnesses to my face if they know that I am supposedly one (if I was, I don't think this blog would exist, or be about 'my new life').
They tell me that they say it because they think I will stop if I am told that it's stupid. Okay, I KNOW how stupid it is to hurt yourself. I am FREAKIN' ADDICTED. You can't just stop cutting.
People need to understand that.
And to follow up on the 'white people on the bad end of racism' there was something on GMA today about the Rutgers coach (sorry, I don't remember the name), who I definitely admire a little now.
I thought about it. Don Imus made a stupid, racist, sexist remark. People FREAKED and he was taken off the air for a while. Yet, I can easily see, rather, hear, a black comedian (I can't think of any names because I don't know any comedians except like Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert) saying that same thing, and people raising eyebrows after they stopped laughing, but they wouldn't make as big of a deal. Maybe people would just laugh and file it in their short-term memory, to be forgotten soon enough.
If this is untrue, I ask you to give me an example of when this happened. When people actually realized that if Don Imus or any white guy said this, people would react in the exact same way they did when the black comedian said it. I really don't think this has ever happened.
I am just so annoyed that the world has gone so 'whites being anti-racist', we've gone racist again. This is driving me insane.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Good-bye, some of you
I am quitting Neopets.
I'm only going on Gaia to talk to Lena *hugs* and maybe get a couple more things for my avatar, which is looking better every day. (not every day, but almost every day)
Rescreatu... I'll check up on those every once in a while so they don't die. I guess once a week.
I said something completely true but also completely embarrassing to Honk!...
I hope he doesn't tell anyone...
I'm sure he won't.
Um... I'll still be on TeenHelp, on DA sometimes, and I guess that's it...
And I'll still post stuff here.
I should have given the link to Honk! but whatever...
Um, hugs to everyone... I will start work on LCDRAFT3 today. I AM really happy because of that. I will enjoy it a lot... um... yeah, it doesn't sound like I enjoy anything today.
I'll have another slice of cake. That will cheer me up a little...
Basically, I'm cutting down on Internet... Yeah.
I'm only going on Gaia to talk to Lena *hugs* and maybe get a couple more things for my avatar, which is looking better every day. (not every day, but almost every day)
Rescreatu... I'll check up on those every once in a while so they don't die. I guess once a week.
I said something completely true but also completely embarrassing to Honk!...
I hope he doesn't tell anyone...
I'm sure he won't.
Um... I'll still be on TeenHelp, on DA sometimes, and I guess that's it...
And I'll still post stuff here.
I should have given the link to Honk! but whatever...
Um, hugs to everyone... I will start work on LCDRAFT3 today. I AM really happy because of that. I will enjoy it a lot... um... yeah, it doesn't sound like I enjoy anything today.
I'll have another slice of cake. That will cheer me up a little...
Basically, I'm cutting down on Internet... Yeah.
Monday, March 3, 2008
A case of the Mondays/Whites finally on the bad end of racism?
Well, not too much happened today. Both D and Rocky hit me (it didn't hurt very much) to make me stop cutting.
Great. I have willingly made myself both addicted to cutting, a victim of physical abuse (I'll keep a diary and make sure if I ever get fed up with it all, they will get punished again for it), along with all of the problems I had earlier.
A girl I'll call Gyrfalcon (those who know her will understand this name a little, maybe) was talking to me in English. She has never really talked to me before. She is a nice person, pretty, cool (those were separate descriptions), and that sort of thing. She asked stuff like, "If you could be rich, would you?" and "Who would be your best friend if you could choose?" (she asked it in a weird way at first, and then she changed what she said to make it nicer) and she said some like, supportive stuff.
I think someone told her to talk to me. People don't just talk to me because they are sitting there. It was weird...
Oh well. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth. Or a gift friend in the head.
Um...
Today I have been thinking about racism, stereotypes, and that sort of thing.
There are, I think, at least 4 'black' (definition: noticeably darker skinned than others) students in my grade. Two of them came to school this year, they are new kids. One of them, I don't know at all and girls think he is HOT. Another one of them is in my Gym class. He's good at sports, but says annoying stuff sometimes. He's not race-oriented like a third kid I know who was in my Gym, Math, and Social Studies last year. That kid, who I'll call Von W, called people racist if they were not completely nice to them (I think he was kinda nicer to me and meaner to me in a way; maybe because I'm the 'white blonde smart girl') . He was kinda annoying, but not too bad. I guess I kinda liked him (not in that way, though) a little. He was funny. He made me laugh sometimes. He did not make me laugh when he talked about being black.
I do not like those idiots who suddenly think they are cool to pretend to be black. It's like, taking the 'good' and/or 'bad' stereotypes about being 'black' and then saying that you are black because you act like one.
It's like taking an Oreo (let's use the cookie definition of this word) and taking a picture of it in negative. You get black on the inside and white on the inside.
Okay, that's at least as racist as calling a black person an Oreo.
Racism is never going to end. Well, maybe racism will end, people thinking that being white is better than being black, or being Indian (I personally LOVE people who are of Indian descent (from the Orient/India, I mean) because they look so awesome, with the hair and the eyes, and that's no different from preferring those with brown hair over those with black hair, BTW), or being anything else.
But instead of thinking white is better, everyone is told to be proud of what they look like and what they are.
So... because blacks are the ones who have supposedly suffered the most from racism, they are the ones told to be proud of themselves the most. So, pride is all good. It's good to feel good about yourself.
But I do not want to hear about people being 'proud to be black'.
If I said I was proud to be white, people would label me a racist, would they not?
I find that fact extremely offensive. Here's what else I find offensive:
Black men are supposedly allowed to insult all women. (with extreme profanity, to my very pure upbringing)
Black women can call their friends 'girlfriends' but no other women can (note: my mom is white, and she calls her friends 'girlfriends' a lot)
Black people can put themselves down. (they can put anyone down, in fact)
Okay, those three things bother me a lot.
It has nothing to do with the fact that black people can do this, it's the fact that:
They are stupid, ignorant stereotypes that stupid celebrities, comedians, and schoolkids fuel by supporting, demonstrating, and even acting out these stereotypes.
I am white and I cannot do any of these things. I will be called racist if I put anyone down; if I insult any women, I will probably be called sexist (maybe I'll just be punished); I will be accused of being Lesbian if I say I have 'girlfriends'. I can use 'girlfriends' in the collective form, and then I will probably be understood, but no, you, a female, cannot have a girlfriend unless you are black or lesbian.
Okay, the point I am getting to here is that because white people (as a group, not individually) have been racist so long, now, we give 'rights' to blacks, make it seem better to be black, and all of that stuff. Essentially, the blacks have become the racist ones and NO ONE CAN QUOTE THIS SENTENCE WITHOUT READING MY OTHER STATEMENTS, ALL OF THEM.
Here's why:
"I'm proud to be a black girl." That's WONDERFUL, I'm glad you're proud to be who you are but why can't I say I'm proud to be white?
"You, know black wo/men are *expletive expletive expletive* and blah blah blah *expletives*" Okay, that is called being racist. Why do you get the right, mister, to say that? You're black. That's why. If you were white, you couldn't really say it without angering others. I am not saying give your right to insult people to others, I'm saying give the punishment of being disliked for racist comments/jokes to you too.
"Hey girlfriend!" / "So my girlfriend, Barbara, she says ..." I've already said it. In this homophobic society, I have to be black or lesbian to use this word.
Okay, so I repeated my arguments. I had to represent them in a new way.
The thing is, I am just sick and tired of hearing about 'being black', from EVERYONE.
Racism, racial stereotypes (ALL of which are bad, regardless of whether they are good stereotypes or bad ones), and other sorts of racial inequality (which at this time, I believe white people are experiencing, but it's because of EVERYONE'S stupidity, not just blacks or whites), will NEVER END unless I can look at a person who is of African descent and not see a black person, but another person.
You don't see a brown haired guy when you look at Zac Efron, do you? You see a hot guy.
Why do you see a black person when you look at Bill Cosby? You should see an old guy.
If you are angry about anything I just said, please leave a comment or contact me in some way before angrily giving me profanity, insults, and stuff. I will defend my position to the best of my ability. Please understand that these are the opinions (they aren't so humble, I'm afraid) of a thirteen year old who wants to get Opinions, Truth, and Reality OUT THERE.
People need to wake up to the problems of the world. This is a very small problem compared to others. Global warming is more important to worry about.
But this IS a problem, nevertheless, and you can help solve it, just by looking at Bill Cosby and saying, "There's a nice old guy" and that's it. It's just an aspect of his physical features that he has more melanin in his skin. Just like Zac Efron has nice blue eyes. (Da Boss is sexier, though, because he lives, like, 3 miles from me, and way less if it's as the crow flies).
Well, see y'all. (not I'm NOT from the South... but that's another stereotype)
Great. I have willingly made myself both addicted to cutting, a victim of physical abuse (I'll keep a diary and make sure if I ever get fed up with it all, they will get punished again for it), along with all of the problems I had earlier.
A girl I'll call Gyrfalcon (those who know her will understand this name a little, maybe) was talking to me in English. She has never really talked to me before. She is a nice person, pretty, cool (those were separate descriptions), and that sort of thing. She asked stuff like, "If you could be rich, would you?" and "Who would be your best friend if you could choose?" (she asked it in a weird way at first, and then she changed what she said to make it nicer) and she said some like, supportive stuff.
I think someone told her to talk to me. People don't just talk to me because they are sitting there. It was weird...
Oh well. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth. Or a gift friend in the head.
Um...
Today I have been thinking about racism, stereotypes, and that sort of thing.
There are, I think, at least 4 'black' (definition: noticeably darker skinned than others) students in my grade. Two of them came to school this year, they are new kids. One of them, I don't know at all and girls think he is HOT. Another one of them is in my Gym class. He's good at sports, but says annoying stuff sometimes. He's not race-oriented like a third kid I know who was in my Gym, Math, and Social Studies last year. That kid, who I'll call Von W, called people racist if they were not completely nice to them (I think he was kinda nicer to me and meaner to me in a way; maybe because I'm the 'white blonde smart girl') . He was kinda annoying, but not too bad. I guess I kinda liked him (not in that way, though) a little. He was funny. He made me laugh sometimes. He did not make me laugh when he talked about being black.
I do not like those idiots who suddenly think they are cool to pretend to be black. It's like, taking the 'good' and/or 'bad' stereotypes about being 'black' and then saying that you are black because you act like one.
It's like taking an Oreo (let's use the cookie definition of this word) and taking a picture of it in negative. You get black on the inside and white on the inside.
Okay, that's at least as racist as calling a black person an Oreo.
Racism is never going to end. Well, maybe racism will end, people thinking that being white is better than being black, or being Indian (I personally LOVE people who are of Indian descent (from the Orient/India, I mean) because they look so awesome, with the hair and the eyes, and that's no different from preferring those with brown hair over those with black hair, BTW), or being anything else.
But instead of thinking white is better, everyone is told to be proud of what they look like and what they are.
So... because blacks are the ones who have supposedly suffered the most from racism, they are the ones told to be proud of themselves the most. So, pride is all good. It's good to feel good about yourself.
But I do not want to hear about people being 'proud to be black'.
If I said I was proud to be white, people would label me a racist, would they not?
I find that fact extremely offensive. Here's what else I find offensive:
Black men are supposedly allowed to insult all women. (with extreme profanity, to my very pure upbringing)
Black women can call their friends 'girlfriends' but no other women can (note: my mom is white, and she calls her friends 'girlfriends' a lot)
Black people can put themselves down. (they can put anyone down, in fact)
Okay, those three things bother me a lot.
It has nothing to do with the fact that black people can do this, it's the fact that:
They are stupid, ignorant stereotypes that stupid celebrities, comedians, and schoolkids fuel by supporting, demonstrating, and even acting out these stereotypes.
I am white and I cannot do any of these things. I will be called racist if I put anyone down; if I insult any women, I will probably be called sexist (maybe I'll just be punished); I will be accused of being Lesbian if I say I have 'girlfriends'. I can use 'girlfriends' in the collective form, and then I will probably be understood, but no, you, a female, cannot have a girlfriend unless you are black or lesbian.
Okay, the point I am getting to here is that because white people (as a group, not individually) have been racist so long, now, we give 'rights' to blacks, make it seem better to be black, and all of that stuff. Essentially, the blacks have become the racist ones and NO ONE CAN QUOTE THIS SENTENCE WITHOUT READING MY OTHER STATEMENTS, ALL OF THEM.
Here's why:
"I'm proud to be a black girl." That's WONDERFUL, I'm glad you're proud to be who you are but why can't I say I'm proud to be white?
"You, know black wo/men are *expletive expletive expletive* and blah blah blah *expletives*" Okay, that is called being racist. Why do you get the right, mister, to say that? You're black. That's why. If you were white, you couldn't really say it without angering others. I am not saying give your right to insult people to others, I'm saying give the punishment of being disliked for racist comments/jokes to you too.
"Hey girlfriend!" / "So my girlfriend, Barbara, she says ..." I've already said it. In this homophobic society, I have to be black or lesbian to use this word.
Okay, so I repeated my arguments. I had to represent them in a new way.
The thing is, I am just sick and tired of hearing about 'being black', from EVERYONE.
Racism, racial stereotypes (ALL of which are bad, regardless of whether they are good stereotypes or bad ones), and other sorts of racial inequality (which at this time, I believe white people are experiencing, but it's because of EVERYONE'S stupidity, not just blacks or whites), will NEVER END unless I can look at a person who is of African descent and not see a black person, but another person.
You don't see a brown haired guy when you look at Zac Efron, do you? You see a hot guy.
Why do you see a black person when you look at Bill Cosby? You should see an old guy.
If you are angry about anything I just said, please leave a comment or contact me in some way before angrily giving me profanity, insults, and stuff. I will defend my position to the best of my ability. Please understand that these are the opinions (they aren't so humble, I'm afraid) of a thirteen year old who wants to get Opinions, Truth, and Reality OUT THERE.
People need to wake up to the problems of the world. This is a very small problem compared to others. Global warming is more important to worry about.
But this IS a problem, nevertheless, and you can help solve it, just by looking at Bill Cosby and saying, "There's a nice old guy" and that's it. It's just an aspect of his physical features that he has more melanin in his skin. Just like Zac Efron has nice blue eyes. (Da Boss is sexier, though, because he lives, like, 3 miles from me, and way less if it's as the crow flies).
Well, see y'all. (not I'm NOT from the South... but that's another stereotype)
Sunday, March 2, 2008
MARCH! And PIZZA HIGH!
Well, March came in LIKE A LION and I started it off by being MAD AS A MARCH HARE!
I went to counseling on Friday. It was the most painful thing I've ever done. I had to tell him my worst fear, I had to tell him those things. I had to say two words and then I said the first word, and I was about to say the second word when suddenly, I start shaking and I felt like passing out and it was hard for me to breathe, and bottom line: I physically cannot say some words without having a panic attack.
However, the counselor was nice and didn't say any triggering words, and he told me a technique to help banish those Thoughts that hurt me so much.
He said I have obsessive thoughts. So it's not really PTSD. It's obsessive thoughts, and I may have OCD which is okay with me.
I am feeling HIGH right now because after we did the counseling, my mom was nice and bought me a Pepperoni Calzone (for those who don't know, it's like a pizza, but with more crust) from this place I love and it was SO delicious. I meant, after the first or second bite, I was just transported to this HIGH place and I knew that not even cutting could give me this high that the pizza gave me. If the pizza place put some drugs in there, that would make sense, but either way, I am feeling GOOD. I am just in this great mood because I had that absolutely delicious (and probably bad for me) calzone that is SOOO AWESOME.
If anyone on Earth is depressed, you cannot kill yourself without trying this guy's calzone first. You have to live before you die, and you haven't lived until you've eaten pizza or a calzone from this guy's place.
Well, I will refrain from driving everyone crazy with my talk of how AWESOME that pizza is, and how high I feel right now (I haven't cut since Thursday!), so... that's all! I only have 20 more pages to edit until I'm finished with the second draft of Linda's Chronicles! YAY.
Things I have to do with the third draft:
I would put an estimate as to when I start sending it out to publishers in 2009. I think I can have the work I need done by 2009. Maybe mid or late 2009. I am just trying to get it published by 2012 so I can run into my English class some day in 11th or 12th grade and say, "MR/S. SO-AND-SO, MY BOOK IS GOING TO GET PUBLISHED" and then my English teacher will have a REAL AUTHOR in their class! I will give all of my English teachers from sixth grade onwards a copy of the book. I know at least one of them is looking forward to it. I wonder who else I will want to give a copy of the book to... I know a few friends, of course, and there's my family and... a lot of people!
Well, my crazy fantasies of publishing a book are kinda premature right now, so let's get back to Earth and say that I need to do my homework.
I'm glad it's just Math and some *ugly* Social Studies, although social studies is INCREDIBLY EASY. Usually.
I kind of wish I liked Math better. I could be a math student, a mathematician if I wanted to, but I am a writer first. I think it's actually harder when you CAN do so many different things. You have to choose what to do. Most people are good at one thing, and that's what they do in life. But I am good at a lot of things (not sports or anything physical, though), so I have to choose. I want to be a geneticist, lawyer, politician (after I'm a lawyer), writer (that's the first thing I'm going to be), and so many other things.
I don't want to be an astronaut. That's one of the few things I don't want to be.
I went to counseling on Friday. It was the most painful thing I've ever done. I had to tell him my worst fear, I had to tell him those things. I had to say two words and then I said the first word, and I was about to say the second word when suddenly, I start shaking and I felt like passing out and it was hard for me to breathe, and bottom line: I physically cannot say some words without having a panic attack.
However, the counselor was nice and didn't say any triggering words, and he told me a technique to help banish those Thoughts that hurt me so much.
He said I have obsessive thoughts. So it's not really PTSD. It's obsessive thoughts, and I may have OCD which is okay with me.
I am feeling HIGH right now because after we did the counseling, my mom was nice and bought me a Pepperoni Calzone (for those who don't know, it's like a pizza, but with more crust) from this place I love and it was SO delicious. I meant, after the first or second bite, I was just transported to this HIGH place and I knew that not even cutting could give me this high that the pizza gave me. If the pizza place put some drugs in there, that would make sense, but either way, I am feeling GOOD. I am just in this great mood because I had that absolutely delicious (and probably bad for me) calzone that is SOOO AWESOME.
If anyone on Earth is depressed, you cannot kill yourself without trying this guy's calzone first. You have to live before you die, and you haven't lived until you've eaten pizza or a calzone from this guy's place.
Well, I will refrain from driving everyone crazy with my talk of how AWESOME that pizza is, and how high I feel right now (I haven't cut since Thursday!), so... that's all! I only have 20 more pages to edit until I'm finished with the second draft of Linda's Chronicles! YAY.
Things I have to do with the third draft:
- add more Rospian civil war stuff
- fix the continuity errors that are sure to exist after the way I killed Ferdinand (well, I didn't kill him myself)
- decide at last whether or not Linda will cut herself because I don't think kids can handle THIS MUCH in one book. I can't put everything in this book. I will write other books.
- add more stuff about Lillian and Napoleon. I do think that mothers write more about their children than Linda does. I have never watched a baby grow up. I don't remember things about when I was little (my memories start as a two year old, but they don't become regular until I'm five)
- figure out more about how Elizabeth dies (anyone who knows who Elizabeth is, you are going WHAT? WHEN DOES SHE DIE?! so don't stress out)
- Add more about 'Lady Coulton' (Yes, JoCo fans, she is named for him. My sister made me do it. I was opposed to it, but she made me do it!)
- decide whether to finish up the smallpox issues, delete smallpox entirely, or what
- make final decisions about references to swearing, sex, and violence. The thing is, all of those things are in it, but most sex references are rather Victorian, with the exception of Countess Barbara (BTW the word sex never occurs in the story) , swearing is completely absent except for describing when it happened (it gets censored in one funny scene), and the violence is minimal, although if it were a movie, the violence would probably be pushed to PG-13. I guess the violence, I don't need to worry about. There is not excessive violence, but I wouldn't let a five year old read it because of the violence. The sex references are minimal and anyone over the age of 8 should be fine reading it. Swearing, well, kids are learning swears younger and younger, so they can put in whatever words they want for the censoring. Most of the swearing is, "he swore when he missed" or "I swore at him" or it was in a language that Linda doesn't know, so she didn't put the words in. The swearing, if you uncensored it, would be rated PG at worst except for the censored conversation which I don't know enough weak swears to put in the "long string of words I didn't know". That would probably push up the rating to PG-13. So, guys, this book is for kids no younger than 8. Seriously, I would let MY seven year old read it unless we had already had The Talk, s/he knew swears already (but s/he didn't say them), and he understood that violence is to be kept in books and on TV and that's it. (no, I don't have a seven year old, and I won't until I am at least 25 I think)
- Decide who to finally kill, who to cut out entirely, get some characters in there more, and get some characters out less, more dialogue in between the PWNSOME dialogues I have every once in a while, and that sort of thing.
I would put an estimate as to when I start sending it out to publishers in 2009. I think I can have the work I need done by 2009. Maybe mid or late 2009. I am just trying to get it published by 2012 so I can run into my English class some day in 11th or 12th grade and say, "MR/S. SO-AND-SO, MY BOOK IS GOING TO GET PUBLISHED" and then my English teacher will have a REAL AUTHOR in their class! I will give all of my English teachers from sixth grade onwards a copy of the book. I know at least one of them is looking forward to it. I wonder who else I will want to give a copy of the book to... I know a few friends, of course, and there's my family and... a lot of people!
Well, my crazy fantasies of publishing a book are kinda premature right now, so let's get back to Earth and say that I need to do my homework.
I'm glad it's just Math and some *ugly* Social Studies, although social studies is INCREDIBLY EASY. Usually.
I kind of wish I liked Math better. I could be a math student, a mathematician if I wanted to, but I am a writer first. I think it's actually harder when you CAN do so many different things. You have to choose what to do. Most people are good at one thing, and that's what they do in life. But I am good at a lot of things (not sports or anything physical, though), so I have to choose. I want to be a geneticist, lawyer, politician (after I'm a lawyer), writer (that's the first thing I'm going to be), and so many other things.
I don't want to be an astronaut. That's one of the few things I don't want to be.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Bleh, Sick
I think I might have Strep throat again.
I hope not. I'm sick of it. It's the most annoying illness ever.
No, cancer and Addiction are worse.
I haven't cut myself because I haven't cared.
I have gone through some weird revelations in the past few days.
Well, let's start on... well, I posted last on Tuesday.
On Wednesday, I got up, started getting ready for school, and soon, I was feeling sick and my throat hurt a little, and so instead of getting dressed, I went to my mom and she looked at my throat with a flashlight and said, "You are NOT going to school!" so that was that.
We went through a similar situation this morning. I HATE salt water. It is gross to even be near, let alone gargle with it.
Mom got a doctor appointment for me at 2:45.
I guess, since it's around 11:30, I will finish up here, take a shower, and wait for Going to the Doctor time.
Bleh.
I think I might have tonsillitis. I have the symptoms. It says that "Tonsillitis is characterized by red, swollen tonsils. White patches may or may not appear on the tonsils. Other signs and symptoms of tonsillitis include a severe sore throat, painful/difficult swallowing, headache, fever and chills, enlarged and tender lymph nodes, pain in the tonsil area, and loss of voice."
Mom said that my throat is very dark red 'at the top' which could be my tonsils (though I haven't looked so maybe not), and I do have a slight sore throat, and it hurts to swallow, and I think I had a fever or something yesterday, because it felt so hot EVERYWHERE. Anywhere I went except for my freezing cold room was burning hot, and I was sweating, and I wasn't even wearing my sweatshirt.
Ugh... something in the side of my neck hurts. I feel like fainting or something... Bleh...
Um, if I think I'm a hypochondriac, does that make me one?
Okay, Wikipedia has told me that I'm a cyberchondriac. That's okay. I don't mind being a hypochondriac.
Seriously, I have self-diagnosed myself with it. There's another thing I can add to my list.
I wish I wasn't sick. I was really ready to go to school this week.
I wish we had Wednesdays off. Four days of school per week. So what if school lasted longer? There are about 40 weeks in the school year. That's 40 extra days, which is ten extra weeks. That's fine with me. I'd rather have more, shorter weeks than fewer long weeks.
Um... that's all. I guess that's all I have to say. I want to eat lunch before I take a shower.
Um, bleh. I'm feeling horrible. I just feel like dying because I'm so sick (and the other reasons).
I hope not. I'm sick of it. It's the most annoying illness ever.
No, cancer and Addiction are worse.
I haven't cut myself because I haven't cared.
I have gone through some weird revelations in the past few days.
Well, let's start on... well, I posted last on Tuesday.
On Wednesday, I got up, started getting ready for school, and soon, I was feeling sick and my throat hurt a little, and so instead of getting dressed, I went to my mom and she looked at my throat with a flashlight and said, "You are NOT going to school!" so that was that.
We went through a similar situation this morning. I HATE salt water. It is gross to even be near, let alone gargle with it.
Mom got a doctor appointment for me at 2:45.
I guess, since it's around 11:30, I will finish up here, take a shower, and wait for Going to the Doctor time.
Bleh.
I think I might have tonsillitis. I have the symptoms. It says that "Tonsillitis is characterized by red, swollen tonsils. White patches may or may not appear on the tonsils. Other signs and symptoms of tonsillitis include a severe sore throat, painful/difficult swallowing, headache, fever and chills, enlarged and tender lymph nodes, pain in the tonsil area, and loss of voice."
Mom said that my throat is very dark red 'at the top' which could be my tonsils (though I haven't looked so maybe not), and I do have a slight sore throat, and it hurts to swallow, and I think I had a fever or something yesterday, because it felt so hot EVERYWHERE. Anywhere I went except for my freezing cold room was burning hot, and I was sweating, and I wasn't even wearing my sweatshirt.
Ugh... something in the side of my neck hurts. I feel like fainting or something... Bleh...
Um, if I think I'm a hypochondriac, does that make me one?
Okay, Wikipedia has told me that I'm a cyberchondriac. That's okay. I don't mind being a hypochondriac.
Seriously, I have self-diagnosed myself with it. There's another thing I can add to my list.
I wish I wasn't sick. I was really ready to go to school this week.
I wish we had Wednesdays off. Four days of school per week. So what if school lasted longer? There are about 40 weeks in the school year. That's 40 extra days, which is ten extra weeks. That's fine with me. I'd rather have more, shorter weeks than fewer long weeks.
Um... that's all. I guess that's all I have to say. I want to eat lunch before I take a shower.
Um, bleh. I'm feeling horrible. I just feel like dying because I'm so sick (and the other reasons).
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Addicted.
I found out that I AM really addicted to cutting.
First, I'll say that for months, I have been just like the druggie guy in that 'Above the Influence' commercial who is in kinda denial.
I can stop cutting whenever I want.
Maybe I will next week.
Now, I knew that people could get addicted to cutting, but I didn't think I would.
That's always how it is, anyways. You know? You never think it could happen to you.
But, I know I am addicted because last night, I was thinking about how I had promised, just hours before, to never cut again.
But I was going crazy. I felt like crying, but I wasn't sad enough for that. I was too sad to smile, too bored to enjoy anything, too much of everything everywhere. I just felt bad.
So, I made one long cut up my leg, just a scratch.
I didn't do enough to numb the pain, so it was painful. There was this incredible heat-pain in my leg where I cut, but almost immediately when I lifted the blade from my leg, the pain was gone and this insane good feeling filled me. I felt like smiling. I felt like laughing. I thought I could FEEL my brain doing something that made me feel good.
So, I got high from cutting. I didn't cut anymore because I didn't think I should.
I didn't go to school today. I was too tired to do anything.
I'm going to school all week next week, though. I will.
I'm going to tell Mr. Nice (aka Daboss) about this.
I'm going to tell him EVERYTHING. Because I really have to. I just have to.
He told me something yesterday. I won't say what it is (I would not betray his trust by telling the Internet what it was, even thought it wasn't like something horrible or anything), but I think maybe we can be better friends now.
He is the only one who hasn't reacted strongly to my cutting. I actually feel good about that, even though he was the one who I really wanted to react. He is practically the reason I cut myself.
Maybe not practically, maybe he IS the reason I cut. Well, not anymore. Now it's because I'm addicted to it, and it's something to do. I started because of him. I thought of doing it because of him.
I'm a bad person because I wanted his attention and thought I could get it by cutting myself. I think that is what I will say to him. I will say to him that exact thing.
First, I'll say that for months, I have been just like the druggie guy in that 'Above the Influence' commercial who is in kinda denial.
I can stop cutting whenever I want.
Maybe I will next week.
Now, I knew that people could get addicted to cutting, but I didn't think I would.
That's always how it is, anyways. You know? You never think it could happen to you.
But, I know I am addicted because last night, I was thinking about how I had promised, just hours before, to never cut again.
But I was going crazy. I felt like crying, but I wasn't sad enough for that. I was too sad to smile, too bored to enjoy anything, too much of everything everywhere. I just felt bad.
So, I made one long cut up my leg, just a scratch.
I didn't do enough to numb the pain, so it was painful. There was this incredible heat-pain in my leg where I cut, but almost immediately when I lifted the blade from my leg, the pain was gone and this insane good feeling filled me. I felt like smiling. I felt like laughing. I thought I could FEEL my brain doing something that made me feel good.
So, I got high from cutting. I didn't cut anymore because I didn't think I should.
I didn't go to school today. I was too tired to do anything.
I'm going to school all week next week, though. I will.
I'm going to tell Mr. Nice (aka Daboss) about this.
I'm going to tell him EVERYTHING. Because I really have to. I just have to.
He told me something yesterday. I won't say what it is (I would not betray his trust by telling the Internet what it was, even thought it wasn't like something horrible or anything), but I think maybe we can be better friends now.
He is the only one who hasn't reacted strongly to my cutting. I actually feel good about that, even though he was the one who I really wanted to react. He is practically the reason I cut myself.
Maybe not practically, maybe he IS the reason I cut. Well, not anymore. Now it's because I'm addicted to it, and it's something to do. I started because of him. I thought of doing it because of him.
I'm a bad person because I wanted his attention and thought I could get it by cutting myself. I think that is what I will say to him. I will say to him that exact thing.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Something
I think that I will start doing song reviews or book reviews or movie reviews or something.
I think that I will start that sometime next week.
Tomorrow, Monday, will be the first day of school after the lovely February vacation I have been enjoying. Maybe I will finally stop posting about nothing. I can finally start talking about INTERESTING things.
I've had a week to think about things. Not much has happened on the outside (except for the Sanguinolent Respect thing and a few other scratches), but I've had a lot of time to just THINK and decide what I'm going to do... how I will change, how I will stop being ME and start being Lizzy.
I used to be one thing... but they died some time ago, maybe a year, maybe much longer. I know they were dead around the time I cut my hair, but I think they could have died earlier.
Either way, I am now LIZZY. I am not what I used to be.
Sounds like a song. ;)
I won't start singing, though. I think I will tell everyone to call me Lizzy. I will be Lizzy because I won't be what I used to be. They'll have to call me Lizzy because I'll stop responding to my first name after a little while.
Okay, I just looked up Lizzy on Urbandictionary.com and it's mostly okay, although I think I will be careful when telling others to call me Lizzy. I'm so glad that I will be a dose of cocaine mixed with heroin or an amphetamine. I will make people high? Or I will be a 20 dollar bill in Canada. That works. The first definition is okay although I didn't think my butt was that big. (it isn't)
I also checked up on Lizzie and Liz and those aren't as great, but it's okay. If people are going to be stupid, that's their problem. I'd rather be known as Lizzy than my other name. I'll go look that up...
And the first definition is awesome because it means that I am very sexy. (woo!)
I gave it a thumbs up. I gave a thumbs up to most of the definitions that said I am sexy/smart whatever.
I don't FEEL very sexy. That's funny.
Then again, I guess 'emo chicks' aren't very sexy since their arms are so bloody. (my legs are worse, thought)
I think that I will start that sometime next week.
Tomorrow, Monday, will be the first day of school after the lovely February vacation I have been enjoying. Maybe I will finally stop posting about nothing. I can finally start talking about INTERESTING things.
I've had a week to think about things. Not much has happened on the outside (except for the Sanguinolent Respect thing and a few other scratches), but I've had a lot of time to just THINK and decide what I'm going to do... how I will change, how I will stop being ME and start being Lizzy.
I used to be one thing... but they died some time ago, maybe a year, maybe much longer. I know they were dead around the time I cut my hair, but I think they could have died earlier.
Either way, I am now LIZZY. I am not what I used to be.
Sounds like a song. ;)
I won't start singing, though. I think I will tell everyone to call me Lizzy. I will be Lizzy because I won't be what I used to be. They'll have to call me Lizzy because I'll stop responding to my first name after a little while.
Okay, I just looked up Lizzy on Urbandictionary.com and it's mostly okay, although I think I will be careful when telling others to call me Lizzy. I'm so glad that I will be a dose of cocaine mixed with heroin or an amphetamine. I will make people high? Or I will be a 20 dollar bill in Canada. That works. The first definition is okay although I didn't think my butt was that big. (it isn't)
I also checked up on Lizzie and Liz and those aren't as great, but it's okay. If people are going to be stupid, that's their problem. I'd rather be known as Lizzy than my other name. I'll go look that up...
And the first definition is awesome because it means that I am very sexy. (woo!)
I gave it a thumbs up. I gave a thumbs up to most of the definitions that said I am sexy/smart whatever.
I don't FEEL very sexy. That's funny.
Then again, I guess 'emo chicks' aren't very sexy since their arms are so bloody. (my legs are worse, thought)
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Anyone for tea and cookies?
I don't know what happened with what I said earlier, 'cause my leg is damn bloody, or it was less than an hour ago.
I got what I needed for painless cuts ready, waited for a few minutes while I enjoyed a delicious sticky bun (well, two), and when I finished, I took the stuff to my room, where I desensitized myself and made an S and an R next to each other on my leg. The little tail on the R isn't quite attached, but it looks enough like an R.
In case you're wondering, it stands for Sanguinolent Respect.
I thought of the word 'Sanguine' and wanted a word similar to it, so I flipped through an unabridged dictionary and found sanguinolent and sanguiverous, which are by far the awesomest words I've learned all year.
After I made the letters, I put four cuts into my leg, which bled nicely but not so much that anything trickled down, as did the SR.
Well... that's a nice report.
Anyone for tea and cookies?
I got what I needed for painless cuts ready, waited for a few minutes while I enjoyed a delicious sticky bun (well, two), and when I finished, I took the stuff to my room, where I desensitized myself and made an S and an R next to each other on my leg. The little tail on the R isn't quite attached, but it looks enough like an R.
In case you're wondering, it stands for Sanguinolent Respect.
I thought of the word 'Sanguine' and wanted a word similar to it, so I flipped through an unabridged dictionary and found sanguinolent and sanguiverous, which are by far the awesomest words I've learned all year.
After I made the letters, I put four cuts into my leg, which bled nicely but not so much that anything trickled down, as did the SR.
Well... that's a nice report.
Anyone for tea and cookies?
Bleh
I feel NOTHING today.
I just sit here, and nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing.
I guess, that means I should go out and DO something.
I decided not to cut myself today.
Even if I feel like it.
It's around 11:30 in the morning. I have about nine hours left (more like 12, but I need to get my sleep schedule back in order before I go back to school on Monday).
I wonder if I can do it. When I said 'cut', I meant hurt myself in anyway, SH/SI, whatever. I won't do it.
I'll reward myself tomorrow by letting myself go.
If I fail, I'll punish myself tomorrow with cutting.
I'm cutting tomorrow, either way.
Illogical?
You betcha.
Good for me?
No way.
Makes me feel better?
Kinda.
Fixes anything?
I doubt it.
Nets me a bf?
Nope.
Does ANYTHING for me?
Yes. It helps.
I just sit here, and nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing.
I guess, that means I should go out and DO something.
I decided not to cut myself today.
Even if I feel like it.
It's around 11:30 in the morning. I have about nine hours left (more like 12, but I need to get my sleep schedule back in order before I go back to school on Monday).
I wonder if I can do it. When I said 'cut', I meant hurt myself in anyway, SH/SI, whatever. I won't do it.
I'll reward myself tomorrow by letting myself go.
If I fail, I'll punish myself tomorrow with cutting.
I'm cutting tomorrow, either way.
Illogical?
You betcha.
Good for me?
No way.
Makes me feel better?
Kinda.
Fixes anything?
I doubt it.
Nets me a bf?
Nope.
Does ANYTHING for me?
Yes. It helps.
Friday, February 22, 2008
What horror. (and what weird dreams)
What horror I have learned.
Well, last night, I thought about cutting.
And I realized that I could never do it because of the pain I feared so much. So, I thought about what dulls pain.
And I found it.
So, I went to the kitchen, got what I needed, and went to my room.
And it worked.
So, I made four cuts that bled (not too much) and I realized with horror that I am now invincible. I can do whatever I want. Nothing can stop me now. I have complete power over myself now. That's the disturbing thing, I think. I have real power. I didn't even have power over myself before. Now, I am truly invincible. I can do whatever I want, and it doesn't matter. I won't feel pain.
It scares me that I will now be able to do what I want, what I dream of, and nothing will stop me, except for my imagination.
Last night, I dreamed a lot.
First, I had a strange dream. There was a field-trip of some kind. I could smell something burning, I think. Something smoky and weird. Like when I tried to melt the plastic on a certain utensil the other day. Burned plastic--nasty.
There was my english teacher, and a lot of kids who were not in my english class. A lot of kids... maybe 30 or 40.
Ducky was there, too. Suddenly, instead of being at the junior high, we were at the elementary school I have not been in since June 2006, in the cafeteria. Ducky looked at my bared arm. I was showing him the cuts.
He looked at me. The scars on my arm were brighter and worse than they are in real life. The cuts were bloodier and worse. He looked at my arm, and said, "That's gross. Stop cutting yourself. You could kill yourself. Stop cutting yourself."
Jama came over and sat down next to us. We had to move to make room for her, and Ducky sat on my hand (I don't know where that came from).
Another dream I had was weird. The people there were:
me (kinda)
chickens (Mathilda was the only one I recognized)
T'Pol from Star Trek: Enterprise (she was wearing her ugly outfit from the earlier seasons. Her blue jumpsuit is prettier)
an older female Vulcan, who somehow had as much respect as Spock, although she wasn't Spock, although it felt like Spock.
Sam Carter from Stargate SG-1
some other Stargate person, maybe McKay or the Russian guy from SGA
a lot of other technician/soldier people that seemed to be from SG-1
So, there was something going on, like a computer virus (funny how that SGA episode was on today) or a bomb or approaching Goa'uld/Wraith/Ori/Replicators. I kept switching who I was, from the old Vulcan woman to Captain Archer from Enterprise, to myself.
At one point, there was this slide-thing with a bunch of chickens there (just walking around, pecking and stuff), that was snowy and icy, and I was the old Vulcan and had to go into some sort of hibernation and so I had to go slide down there.
It was fun!
Then, I made a hairpin-turn in the slide, and I slid down even faster and it was MORE FUN. :D I almost crashed into Mathilda the chicken (she was eaten by a fox long ago, though, so I don't know why I thought of her), but she moved out of the way, and when I exited the slide-thing, I was back in the place that looked like the SGC, except I was at a slight lower level (I'd have to draw a picture of it in order to show it correctly) and it was a place maybe a meter or two from where I entered the slide.
So I went back to work. The hibernation thing was cancelled. ;) It was weird. (no der)
Another thing is that I do think that exiting and entering a place nearby to where I was was a reference to Portal, a videogame. Like, I shot the portal gun in the place I entered and then I shot it where I exited, and instead of it being an instantaneous transport, there was the slide/tunnel/chute/thing. I don't remember shooting the portal gun, though. I guess it had nothing to do with Portal, then.
There was another dream, too, but I don't remember it anymore. I think a certain kid I kinda hate was in it... Oh well.
So, wasn't that INTERESTING? ;)
Hi, Ren/Poison! *hugs* Miss you!
BTW, Ren, I notice that you are using your middle name a lot for things. (at least I think that's your middle name) I started doing that, too.
I am going to be known as Lizzy when I go back to school. I will tell them to start calling me Lizzy. If you saw a picture of me, you would see that I can be a Lizzy. I think the kids at school would agree that I make a good Lizzy. When I look in the mirror and smile, I see a 'Lizzy.' It's weird. But I think since I went all 'emo', I became Lizzy. I decided that I stopped being *my first name* when I cut my hair. I became Lizzy when I cut myself.
Well, last night, I thought about cutting.
And I realized that I could never do it because of the pain I feared so much. So, I thought about what dulls pain.
And I found it.
So, I went to the kitchen, got what I needed, and went to my room.
And it worked.
So, I made four cuts that bled (not too much) and I realized with horror that I am now invincible. I can do whatever I want. Nothing can stop me now. I have complete power over myself now. That's the disturbing thing, I think. I have real power. I didn't even have power over myself before. Now, I am truly invincible. I can do whatever I want, and it doesn't matter. I won't feel pain.
It scares me that I will now be able to do what I want, what I dream of, and nothing will stop me, except for my imagination.
Last night, I dreamed a lot.
First, I had a strange dream. There was a field-trip of some kind. I could smell something burning, I think. Something smoky and weird. Like when I tried to melt the plastic on a certain utensil the other day. Burned plastic--nasty.
There was my english teacher, and a lot of kids who were not in my english class. A lot of kids... maybe 30 or 40.
Ducky was there, too. Suddenly, instead of being at the junior high, we were at the elementary school I have not been in since June 2006, in the cafeteria. Ducky looked at my bared arm. I was showing him the cuts.
He looked at me. The scars on my arm were brighter and worse than they are in real life. The cuts were bloodier and worse. He looked at my arm, and said, "That's gross. Stop cutting yourself. You could kill yourself. Stop cutting yourself."
Jama came over and sat down next to us. We had to move to make room for her, and Ducky sat on my hand (I don't know where that came from).
Another dream I had was weird. The people there were:
me (kinda)
chickens (Mathilda was the only one I recognized)
T'Pol from Star Trek: Enterprise (she was wearing her ugly outfit from the earlier seasons. Her blue jumpsuit is prettier)
an older female Vulcan, who somehow had as much respect as Spock, although she wasn't Spock, although it felt like Spock.
Sam Carter from Stargate SG-1
some other Stargate person, maybe McKay or the Russian guy from SGA
a lot of other technician/soldier people that seemed to be from SG-1
So, there was something going on, like a computer virus (funny how that SGA episode was on today) or a bomb or approaching Goa'uld/Wraith/Ori/Replicators. I kept switching who I was, from the old Vulcan woman to Captain Archer from Enterprise, to myself.
At one point, there was this slide-thing with a bunch of chickens there (just walking around, pecking and stuff), that was snowy and icy, and I was the old Vulcan and had to go into some sort of hibernation and so I had to go slide down there.
It was fun!
Then, I made a hairpin-turn in the slide, and I slid down even faster and it was MORE FUN. :D I almost crashed into Mathilda the chicken (she was eaten by a fox long ago, though, so I don't know why I thought of her), but she moved out of the way, and when I exited the slide-thing, I was back in the place that looked like the SGC, except I was at a slight lower level (I'd have to draw a picture of it in order to show it correctly) and it was a place maybe a meter or two from where I entered the slide.
So I went back to work. The hibernation thing was cancelled. ;) It was weird. (no der)
Another thing is that I do think that exiting and entering a place nearby to where I was was a reference to Portal, a videogame. Like, I shot the portal gun in the place I entered and then I shot it where I exited, and instead of it being an instantaneous transport, there was the slide/tunnel/chute/thing. I don't remember shooting the portal gun, though. I guess it had nothing to do with Portal, then.
There was another dream, too, but I don't remember it anymore. I think a certain kid I kinda hate was in it... Oh well.
So, wasn't that INTERESTING? ;)
Hi, Ren/Poison! *hugs* Miss you!
BTW, Ren, I notice that you are using your middle name a lot for things. (at least I think that's your middle name) I started doing that, too.
I am going to be known as Lizzy when I go back to school. I will tell them to start calling me Lizzy. If you saw a picture of me, you would see that I can be a Lizzy. I think the kids at school would agree that I make a good Lizzy. When I look in the mirror and smile, I see a 'Lizzy.' It's weird. But I think since I went all 'emo', I became Lizzy. I decided that I stopped being *my first name* when I cut my hair. I became Lizzy when I cut myself.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
I'm out of titles
News that you've already heard, to be followed by better news, with my opinions:
Maybe I feel I am in an abusive relationship? I can think of people who are like some kind of octopus, but at the same time, I am in no relationship. Questions, questions, questions...
- Barack Obama is accused of plagiarism. Um, when he plagiarized my governor (momentarily forgot his name), my governor was plagiarizing JFK, or at least that's who I heard he was quoting. Seriously, why are you making such a big deal out of it? We live in a time that no matter what you think or what you say, somebody's already said it at some time, so in a way, we are plagiarizing with every thought and every word we say. I'm sure someone's already said this, in fact. If they haven't, I think I should be praised. *smug*
- McCain has been accused to having an 'inappropriate relationship' with some woman. That made me think of how I was reading in Newsweek (yes I read Newsweek, and I am actually 13) how he has an enlarged prostate (I am probably blushing though I can't look in a mirror) and I was thinking of how bad I feel for him. People just have to say EVERYTHING they know about a public figure, don't they? I believe he is innocent, although I kinda wish he had done something bad so something interesting would be happening. I think a Barack supporter started this rumor because they want people to remember Bill Clinton and how bad he was, and people would feel less like voting for the Clintons. However, this may make people more sorry for Hillary and then vote for her anyways, so that plan might backfire. This is my most un-humble opinion, and I guarantee someone has already thought of this if it is not the truth. (unintentional plagiarism, oh no)
- Paris Hilton's brother got arrested for DUI, and he's 18. However, they aren't sure because he was carrying a fake driver's liscense. I mean, honestly. We need some new movie stars. NOW. Can't the stupid people just be gotten rid of?
- Christopher Paolini's third book, Brisingr, will be released September 20, 2008. That's in almost EXACTLY seven months. This is old news (the news was released on Jan. 16), but I felt like adding it since some people, I'm sure, don't know it yet. Now they do! :) I am SO happy because I know who I'm going to ask to go to the bookstore with me at midnight to get it. :) Someone very special. Wow, I'll be in ninth grade then. I'll be 14 by then. I'll be a freshman. A high schooler... COOL.
- I'm cutting again. Like, really. I am getting stronger. I am not screaming, though I thought I would. However, I have not bled badly or anything.
- I have to actually do some 'work' over vacation. I was going to do my (un)lovely personal dictionary project that everyone else is finished with. To make up for the insane lateness, I will make it look PWNSOME. (pronounced pone-some)
Maybe I feel I am in an abusive relationship? I can think of people who are like some kind of octopus, but at the same time, I am in no relationship. Questions, questions, questions...
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